testing in a relationship

Jake and I have been together a long time - long enough that I really don't push my luck anymore with him because he's been consistent enough in the past for me to know that he means what he says, he'll follow through, and where his box is.

I think a lot of "testing" in a new(er?ish?) relationship has more to do with wanting to feel safe that the boundaries don't randomly extremely change day to day, that a person does and says the things they will say, and enforces the things that matter to them....

If you don't test occasionally, you won't always know when things have changed - I guess I don't see testing in a relationship as a bad thing... people change over time, rules change over time, life in general is about change... so even the occasional "test" from a long-term relationship would happen... I guess it depends on how you see the testing, and how the Master reacts to it.

If a Master is constantly irritated with a slave pushing to see where the boundaries are so they know what the exact shape their Master's box is - it to me might make them feel more insecure and either cause the slave to tip toe in the relationship, or to end up testing more to see if the relationship is as volatile as it seems.

One of the things that helped me the most, is the fact that Jake always won our little battles of wills, and they happened less frequently because of that... and because he didn't flip out on me for asking too many questions, or saying "no" to something instinctively. By reacting logically, and firmly it went a long way for my natural instincts to get rewired over time so that the "push back" didn't happen very often.

In new situations, I end up testing a lot again - a big move for example. I'm trying to re-establish what rules are still important to him, what's changed, how we've both changed, and I guess to make sure that he still will win. LOL

He always does.... the logical, cool-headed bastard that he is. ;)

I think that how the Master handles the "little tests" or boundary pushes that a slave does goes a long way for building a healthy, long-term foundation. If a Master responds with anger, or lashes out, I think it's a lot more likely to make a slave defensive and insecure... often-times I'm not sure a slave even fully understands WHY they test... it just sometimes happens....

I think by handling it smoothly on the part of the Master, things will go better for everyone involved. It's hard to blindly follow someone when you don't trust them.... and I think that's what often helps create that trust... boundaries get pushed, the Master handles it well, the slave is re-assured, and their brain shifts around information and next time the situation comes up, the slave also handles it better.

I think by being realistic, and prepared to be tested, a Master will be able to help their slave understand *why* it's happening, and by handling it well, will go a long way for allowing the slave to work through any internal struggles too.

It happens, people are human on both sides... but I guess I believe that testing is pretty normal - kids do it, dogs do it, people in general in new situations will do it, even subconsciously at times.... how it's handled though matters... and I think that's where a lot of Master's get in over their head - and fail to see a test for what it is, and respond poorly and cause damage to the relationship by responding in a very harsh or negative fashion to something that's pretty common, and even normal in a new relationship or new situation.

Just my 2cents on this particular topic.