Ramblings of a kajira

I really appreciate JAke

2012-01-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Jake is not one of those men who gets turned off and grumpy about TTC or timing sex, or all the "info" that goes along with making babies. He takes my temps, he's so hands on, and he's so sweet about it. even years of struggling and nightmares hormones.

he's very unusual compared to MOST people I see on TTC forums.... not only do I have to go out of my way NOT to have sex too much so we make sure his sperm count is great (once per day in 24 hour period instead of multiple times per day.)

I can talk about TTC as much as I want, and it turns him on and makes him grab me and smooch me and molest me while I talk about it. LOL

I will say that I absolutely 100% appreciate that Jake is not one of those men that finds TTC a burden and a major turn off... I don't know if we'd have survived 5+ years of infertility if he was.

He actually said something really sweet to me today about it. ^.^

I know we have to be okay with having to do another cycle but it sure was nice to see your temp higher today. I was hoping it would be higher but it was unexpected it actually went up that much...lets hope the temps stay up.

You have been doing a great job dealing with taking the hormones and all that has gone on. You have been a tiny bit snippy but nothing like when you tried to take stuff in years past. I know doing it a few more times would be taxing on you but if we have to we can make it through this again.

I sent him a message back telling him how much I appreciate that he's not most men. LOL

moving.

2012-01-28T16:36:00.000-08:00

Back in seattle, having a big family wasn't really the norm. People focused more on school, education, fancy jobs, and waiting until the timing was perfect to have babies....

Where we moved too, it isn't uncommon to get married right out of high school and have babies. the jobs here you can get at 18 and make decent money and cost of living is wayyyyy less then the seattle area, so a big family in the early 20's is actually financially doable... even if the mom stays home full time.

It's very different here, to see young girls with the 3-8 kids i'd love to have before 30... and actually doing fine financially....

It's very different than the culture I was raised in and it's amazing to me to see this one and wish I had been raised here, i'd have definitely fit in better.

most of my friends back home who have kids, don't usually have a big family... and don't want one. many of them are more focused on college, careers, jobs, and waiting until the timing is perfect to have babies.

Culturally, I think raising a family here may be a good thing. I think if we had a big family, we'd fit in better here, and the stuff to do here is more outdoors kind of stuff, rather than art museums and gym class... not to say those activities are bad... but there's something be said for the rustic outdoors and horse back riding that the city just cannot offer - the weather is different here too so you actually spend more time outdoors.

It's cold, but warm due to the sun. It rarely rains so its not muddy and gross feeling all the time... and since were up in the mountains and 7000ish elevation roughly, it doesn't get so hot in the summer that you die of heat.

I wasn't so keen when we first moved here... but the place is growing on me.

whew... relief.

2012-01-28T10:04:00.001-08:00

well my temps spiked back up this morning..after yesterdays biggggg drop. but can I just say that i'm slightly confused about what my body is doing?

I'm constantly hungry... as in ravenous snacking non stop (normal for me being on progesterone actually though), wake up in the middle of the night with a growling tummy kind of hungry.... I'm bloated, feel like i've gained 20 pounds in water weight (which hey, gaining weight on hormones would be fairly normal... most of the time.)

but even with the bloating and water weight... I was 116.8 this morning... ^.^ i just sat there kind of dumbfounded staring at my scale wondering if the batteries needed replaced ^.^ (It said abbie was 19.6 when a couple weeks ago she was 19.2.... so i'm guessing it isn't that off since it's being accurate for her... and going up not down lol)

And the dehydration sensation, seriously no matter how much water I drink atm, my lips are chapped, my nose is stuffy and my mouth feels dry. (burts bees chapstick ain't even helping!!! LOL)

All I can say is this cycle is totally whacky.... but by keeping track of it, next month i'll know what my body "does" and can be better prepared knowing what previous "history" told me.... so Jake's encouraging me to analyze everything and keep track of all the information..... I love that man, he knows me so well, I don't think I could keep from mentally keeping track if he forbid it...so thank you Jesus that he encourages my insanity haha LOL ;)

And for those who wonder if i've peed on a stick yet, absolutely have! but, I wasn't expecting it to be positive yet... :P not at 6-7 Days past ovulation. LOL

days past ovulation... keeping track.

2012-01-26T21:14:00.001-08:00

Ovulation. cramps.

day 1 : nipples so sensitive I feel like they are gonna fall off. dry.

day 2 : nipples so sensitive I want to CUT them off... dry.

day 3 : Creamy, nipples finally stop hurting so bad. cramps ensue. back ache, headaches, munchies (most likely due to progesterone production, I always get the munchies on progesterone.) erratic dreams that are super vivid and crazy. Cramping that wake me up and make it kind of hard to sleep. bloated.

day 4. Cramps get worse, and creamy fluids get worse, including snot like fluids. Panic attacks and headaches and ditzy behavior. hot flashes/sweaty (unusual for me even with progesterone) bloated.

day 5. same as above. peeing a lot. but at least my tits don't hurt... but i've been in my back brace for two days to help the back pain. heart burn at bedtime. headaches hot flashes. bloated. stuffy nose....

day 6. peeing a lot, thirsty a lot, cramps, nipples are tingly and temp spiked down - looks very unpromising for this cycle if they don't go back up tomorrow. headaches. bloated. eye twitching randomly... (google says it's a sign of overly tired and sometimes pregnancy, OMG STOP GETTING MY HOPES UP GOOGLE I HATE YOU... since I took a nap this afternoon and got a really goods night rest last night, 99% sure it ain't due to being tired.) hungry non-stop but that's normal for me on progesterone. Breasts are starting to tingle/feel sore again... and cramps omg the cramps and fluids. I keep checking for bleeding because I keep feeling like my periods starting, despite it being 6DPO. LOL - stuffy nose.... feel kind of hot-flashy, but no "sick" feelings i'd associate with actually being sick. headache/neck ache. ^.^

7DPO - Temp spiked back up!!! WOOHOO!!! by an entire degree... :) creamy fluids, dry. gas cramping, heart burn (Not something i'm used to since going glutenfree!!! ;o) exhausted and wanting to sleep, really weird, vivid dreams ^.^ sore breasts and despite all the bloating, gas, and non-stop eating from the munchies... I've lost weight???! 116.8 today. wtf? with as much as i'm stuffing my face, I don't get it.

7DPO - evening -- Pretty much all symptoms gone besides increased urination and thirst and the occasional twinge in my ovaries.

8DPO : Hungry - had to get up and eat something my tummy was growling so much. Heart burn?? (so unusual for me since going gluten free) feeling like I got kicked in the crotch by a horse... pulsing, tingling, cramping sensations, boobs twinging/sore on and off randomly. bloated so much i'm peeing constantly... (or maybe it's the fact I feel dehydrated and have a dry mouth and am drinking tons of fluids.... or both???) haha. Craving salty foods - and everything I eat tastes like chalk. ^.^

Gas (tmi???) and slight nausea on and off for all days after ovulation. ^.^

I'm keeping track of symptoms so next month I know what's apparently "normal" for me so I don't have to re-evaluate everything so much. LOL

fertility drugs

2012-01-26T09:37:00.001-08:00

Well, Jake and I have a lot of experience with hormones, fertility drugs and even a high risk pregnancy with all sorts of drugs to stop pre-term labor - a few of which have psychosis as a side effect.

Anyways... at this point in my life, i'm pretty good at knowing how fertility drugs of different kinds effect me and being able to be semi-normal while on them... to a point.

I get mood swings, i'll be grumpy, I'll be hyper one minute and sad the next... but I can logically work through those emotions and realize its "not me" that's really feeling that way, that it's the meds causing it.

Jake and I work hard on our communication and because of it, we tend to survive through fertility meds and hormones with out too many issues these days.

He's patient with me - as long as I listen and keep communicating with him, if I walk around saying "i'm grumpy" and pouting at him for a few days, he can laugh it off and tease me - because we both know it's the meds...

Jake tends to be more attentive in some ways when I'm hormonal and crazy from the meds. He touches me more, he hugs me more, he holds me more, he pinches my ass more... he just interacts with me more. I think a lot of it's to distract me, but also keep me focused "on fun" stuff.

I appreciate that. I try very hard, hormones or not to get stuff done, and to not be a total bitch to everyone. When I get too grumpy or hormonal or crazy, I hide out in our bedroom, read a book, take a bath, play some video games (if I can focus) try to watch movies with him (sometimes I can't even focus on that)

and often, ask for lots of sex. Sex helps... but since they are fertility drugs, my sex drive goes through the roof when i'm on them and I want lots and lots of sex. LOL so it helps that he's always up for it.

The main problem I have with fertility drugs is it makes my normal "self" turn into some uber-ADD type personality who really can't focus, or concentrate on anything productive. Jake doesn't get mad at me for that, but he does give me reminders and try to help provide some extra structure when I'm like that.

I appreciate that even when a little nuts from the meds, and hormones - he doesn't make excuses and he doesn't placate me. I like that if i'm bitchy he pushes me into a wall and pins me there and tells me to knock it off before he bites me. ^.^

usually I tell him to bite me anyways, but that's besides the point. :P

someone asked my thoughts

2012-01-25T19:16:00.001-08:00

Someone asked me if it was frustrating to chart, and keep track of stuff and have to wake up at the same time every morning to temp chart, and check fluids and etc etc....

And I thought about it, and this was my feelings once I did a little soul searching.

it depends on your personality.

for me, I'm ecstatic to be charting, because I actually ovulated!!! to me, to SEE ovulation confirmed when my issue is ovulation, gives me hope, not frustration. It's a chance, a real chance I can conceive this month. and if i ovulate next month, i'll feel that way too.

the only thing frustrates me, is to see months go by with no ovulation and knowing that I need medical intervention and have to ask for help....

this is my first medicated cycle out of 10 months of TTC baby #3. so if you want to talk frustration... failing to ovulate is frustrating. LOL and before this, I spent 5 years of infertility treatment failing to ovulate, and not even being able to have a chance to TEST for a BFP... that was far more frustrating for me than the excitement fo being able to test even fi its a negative.

attitude matters. If you know you O on what day, you know you can start testing on X day. so, your period comes and you can start over. It's not a guarantee that you'll get pregnant, but every piece of information you have may make you more likely/successful to get pregnant.

a lot of women who complain about not getting pregnant also time sex wrong even though they chart. or don't have enough sex on a regular enough basis to catch the egg, a lot of people believe having sex on the day of ovulation is good enough (by the time the sperm get up there, there's a good chance the egg is gone if you wait until you actually O to have sex.)

Taking control of your fertility and understanding how your body works to ME is a beautiful thing because if you want to get pregnant, it gives you an advantage in a lot of ways, including knowing your body and cycle enough to know when/if there's a problem

woot, ovulation is confirmed!

2012-01-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

So, my charts switched around my O date - but at least they pretty much 100% that I not only did ovulate, but pretty much with in 24 hours of each other think I ovulated... so, I'll pretty positive this cycle is a real shot at pregnancy....... 13-20% chance odds, but it's better then 0% odds. LOL

I'll probably start peeing on my HPT's this weekend, yes, it's WAY to early for a positive - but that's okay. I'd rather pee and get a negative test sooner, rather than later, just for dealing with the disappointment earlier - because if it DID get positive as I got closer to my period - then i'd be happy, but if it stayed negative, I could deal with it a little emotionally better, rather than saving up my test for "the big day" and feeling so let down if it was negative then.

My logic's not most peoples. if i'm already used to seeing a negative test, i'm less likely to have a sad melt-down day on the day I start my period, or get a negative pregnancy test if I was "holding my breath" and waiting.

And, if it did slowly get more positive as I got closer to my period being due - that's a fairly good sign that the pregnancy is viable if I was pregnant... and gives me enough warning to get into the doctor to rule out an ectopic pregnancy so that I can just "wait and see" what happens with that being one less thing to worry about. and. make sure I get a refillable prescription for progesterone so I don't run out before finding "the right" doctor.

I'll be high risk if I get pregnant, so I'll have to talk to a lot of different midwives/doctors to find the best combo.... especially since i'll have to travel 2-3 hours to see a midwife.... and have to find a midwife willing to take me on as a high-risk patient and work with an OB to monitor me until I'm term (since my issue is pre-term labor - if I can get to term, I can have a baby how ever the hell I want! LOL)

Anyways - those are things i've thought about.... It's good for me to think of my options, because if it comes to pass, then I'm less likely to freak about it being real if I prepare for both outcomes.

The one i'm most hoping for, and the one that is most likely to happen. LOL

A woman, who times everything perfect has a 15% chance to conceive each cycle, with my infertility issues, and taking meds, my chances are more in the 13-20% chance range - we timed everything perfect this cycle, we charted perfectly, we had sex at the right times and plenty of it. LOL

But, the theory for pregnancy is the odds will catch up to a woman, so that's why they say give it 6 months to a year if you are under 35.... If we keep using femara and get me ovulating every month like a normal woman - there's a very, very good chance I could get pregnant in the 6 month to 1 year window like everyone else....

So, i'm hopeful that we finally found something that appears to work.... maybe it will only work this cycle - but I responded really well to it, so we'll try it for 3-6 cycles and hope that the odds catch up to me before we have to go back to more invasive treatments again.

Honestly, I'm happy as a clam right now. I could bounce off the walls i'm so happy that we are at least headed in the right direction and that my body for once in it's life is working like a normal persons.....

When you spend so many years broken, feeling unbroken is an amazing feeling.... :)

officially on the 2WW :)

2012-01-24T07:10:00.001-08:00

Both charts now agree that I ovulated, one has me at 4DPO - and one has me at 3DPO... I have matching symptoms that go hand in hand with ovulation physically.... So, I think the charts are fairly... accurate at least at this point.

Hey, i'll take what I can get, at least they both are in agreement at this point that I ovulated.... that to me is good enough and i'll take what I can get....

I'll start the 10-12 days of progesterone tonight... and then it's just the waiting game....

me, being the pee-on-a-stick-aholic that I am will most likely start testing this weekend... which would put me just around the 7-9 day range. almost far enough to get a light positive if I was pregnant... but until 13-16 days past ovulation (DPO) i'm not totally out of the running.

Honestly, there's only a 13-20% chance this cycle will result in pregnancy, the odds aren't that great - realistically... so I'm mentally preparing myself for my period to come at the end of all of this and to start over in February. LOL

But, that's okay. I might cry a few days, just because the disappointment sucks.... but i'll bounce back, start over, move on and well try again.

I would prefer to be pregnant, but at least ovulating is a good sign and a good step in the right direction for resulting in a pregnancy by the end of the year... and I'll take what I can get at this point in my life.

Half the fun is all the sex ;) LOL

charting

2012-01-23T12:38:00.001-08:00

after doing a *ton* of research - I'm using BOTH taking charge of your fertility (TCOYF) and Fertility friend (FF) to chart.

TCOYF still isn't sure I ovulated, while FF says I have.

Normally, I have the opposite problems, on my anovulatory cycles, TCOYF always says I ovulated, while FF said I didn't....

So, given previous histories with both, while i'm using both to keep track of data, I think I'm going to go with FF being more accurate for interpreting *my* bodies data.

So, I start progesterone tomorrow...

so, currently my "after ovulation" symptoms include creamy discharge, sore nipples/boobs (like sore enough that I don't want anyone touching them...) so of course, abbie's going straight for them and trying to rip them off...

I'll probably start testing on the 30th, because i'm a total pee on a stick aholic and I have like 300 HGC tests, so I can pee 10x a day if I want too and not run out.... haha.

I also have 4 digitals sitting in a drawer waiting, but I won't use those unless I see a line on the HGC tests....

I'm not expecting a positive this cycle, statistically, the odds aren't in my favor - but... I'm happy that the chart at least thinks I ovulated, and I'll take what I can get.

I'm still in shock - the idea that the femara worked for me, the fact that I MIGHT get pregnant before the end of this year.... my brain's having a hard time grasping the concept that all of this is even real.... LOL

Now only that, but it's a freaking blizzard outside our house right now and it's just beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcOE0YsBfQQ

testing in a relationship

2012-01-22T17:37:00.001-08:00

Jake and I have been together a long time - long enough that I really don't push my luck anymore with him because he's been consistent enough in the past for me to know that he means what he says, he'll follow through, and where his box is.

I think a lot of "testing" in a new(er?ish?) relationship has more to do with wanting to feel safe that the boundaries don't randomly extremely change day to day, that a person does and says the things they will say, and enforces the things that matter to them....

If you don't test occasionally, you won't always know when things have changed - I guess I don't see testing in a relationship as a bad thing... people change over time, rules change over time, life in general is about change... so even the occasional "test" from a long-term relationship would happen... I guess it depends on how you see the testing, and how the Master reacts to it.

If a Master is constantly irritated with a slave pushing to see where the boundaries are so they know what the exact shape their Master's box is - it to me might make them feel more insecure and either cause the slave to tip toe in the relationship, or to end up testing more to see if the relationship is as volatile as it seems.

One of the things that helped me the most, is the fact that Jake always won our little battles of wills, and they happened less frequently because of that... and because he didn't flip out on me for asking too many questions, or saying "no" to something instinctively. By reacting logically, and firmly it went a long way for my natural instincts to get rewired over time so that the "push back" didn't happen very often.

In new situations, I end up testing a lot again - a big move for example. I'm trying to re-establish what rules are still important to him, what's changed, how we've both changed, and I guess to make sure that he still will win. LOL

He always does.... the logical, cool-headed bastard that he is. ;)

I think that how the Master handles the "little tests" or boundary pushes that a slave does goes a long way for building a healthy, long-term foundation. If a Master responds with anger, or lashes out, I think it's a lot more likely to make a slave defensive and insecure... often-times I'm not sure a slave even fully understands WHY they test... it just sometimes happens....

I think by handling it smoothly on the part of the Master, things will go better for everyone involved. It's hard to blindly follow someone when you don't trust them.... and I think that's what often helps create that trust... boundaries get pushed, the Master handles it well, the slave is re-assured, and their brain shifts around information and next time the situation comes up, the slave also handles it better.

I think by being realistic, and prepared to be tested, a Master will be able to help their slave understand *why* it's happening, and by handling it well, will go a long way for allowing the slave to work through any internal struggles too.

It happens, people are human on both sides... but I guess I believe that testing is pretty normal - kids do it, dogs do it, people in general in new situations will do it, even subconsciously at times.... how it's handled though matters... and I think that's where a lot of Master's get in over their head - and fail to see a test for what it is, and respond poorly and cause damage to the relationship by responding in a very harsh or negative fashion to something that's pretty common, and even normal in a new relationship or new situation.

Just my 2cents on this particular topic.

still waiting....

2012-01-22T17:01:00.000-08:00

come on temps... go go go... we want you to go upppppp

random fact about emma

2012-01-21T21:03:00.001-08:00

I probably tried a total of 8 cycles on clomid over a couple years at varying doses ... 3 cycles in a row on higher doses did not result in ovulation - but did require me having surgery to drain a gigantic residual cyst that wouldn't go away on it's own.

The doc tried to put me on a month of BC pills to make the cyst go away, it didn't work and the pills also made me psychotic. Jake won't ever let me take hormonal birth control again and we are very cautious with hormone drugs though i've never reacted to fertility drugs quite the way I did to BC pills.

I'm not bipolar, but on birth control pills I became totally psycho nuts, a homicidal manic, he really thought I might kill him..... hahahahhaa.. (I swear I wasn't going too...)

anyways - Femera had minimal side effects compared to clomid for me.

I was grumpier than normal, but I was also switching sleep schedules and not getting enough sleep WHILE taking the hormones... so, i'm doing a little better now that were getting used to it...

(the sleep schedule, femara has an incredibly short half-life compared to clomid, which is why my midwife approved for taking while breastfeeding, the amount in the milk is so small she was okay with it, and it doesn't last...) Abbie didn't change personality... she was a little grumpier from the sleep schedule change - but that started BEFORE the hormones, so she was already grumpy which is why I was grumpy because I wasn't getting enough sleep due her. LOL

(she was actually less grumpy during the hormones and right after.)

I did notice that during my fertile phase... which is right now I'm moodier, hornier, bitchier... in a different way... I kind of feel like im clawing out of my skin - but i also feel like i'm going to start my period any minute, which can go hand in hand with being your "ovulation" sensation??? (i'm still figuring it out, i don't ovulate enough to know what's normal for me, so i'm going with the flow right now and totally just trying to take it one day at a time and figuring out what seems to be with the hormones so that I can deal with it better next cycle.)

Yeah, i'm a little nutty... but Jake likes me that way... a horny nutty bitch is okay with him... a homicidal crazy wench on the other hand... not so much.

pee-on-a-stick aholic - that's me!

2012-01-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

The natural progression of this month's OPK's.... when you only ovulate a handful of times in multiple years... we'll be generous and say this time makes 5-6 *confirmed* ovulation's in 8-10 years - it's kind of a big deal. (2 of which have resulted in babies, that are almost 7 years apart in age...) moving on though... since that's kind of... cringe-worthy thoughts... LOL

Like... throw a big party and talk about it and do a happy dance and go have lots and lots of sex kind of big deal.

most people don't relate. most people don't understand. most people have to go out of their way to avoid their egg.... me on the other hand... I have to work really, really hard to get an egg, find the egg, and fertilize my egg.

I'm walking birth control.... I wish I had the opposite problem. to me, it's cheaper and easier to *prevent* a pregnancy then spent upwards of 100,000 (or more... and counting *coughs*) dollars to achieve pregnancies.

One of the things that infertility has taught me over the years, is even small changes are a victory. and it really does feel like a victory - you struggle, you hope, and then all of a sudden, something magical happens....

Maybe it doesn't result in a pregnancy, but it's a step in the right direction, and to ME that's a major reason to celebrate something so simple, that most people take for granted.

I wouldn't wish infertility struggles on my worst enemy.... it's heart breaking... and most people don't understand, even if they mean well. if they haven't struggled, or lost a pregnancy, or gone through that kind of heartache... most won't truly understand. they can sympathize, they can listen, they can offer support.... but they won't always be able to relate.

Going through this has brought Jake and I closer.... he taught me that I couldn't keep these feelings to myself, and he'd rather I talk about it, and share and go through all of it with him and let it out and scream and cry and laugh and moan and whatever emotions come naturally with this.... he wants me to express it.

I don't talk about it much with my family... and if I got pregnant, i probably wouldn't tell anyone except my mom in law and grandparents until we were sure it was most likely viable... but to my friends? the people I talk to on a regular basis, and see me posting and writing and actually see "me"....

they have a right to be a part of it, they have a right to cry with me, to laugh with me, to keep me sane... to understand why I am *insane* from the hormones, or bitchy or cry for no reason... It's a lot easier to support someone, when you know what they are going through... and for ME, keeping it to myself makes me suicidal, I bottle it all up inside and the hurt hurts so bad I can't stand it... and then I get depressed... and that goes down a really really bad path for me.

so this time, on this new journey... it's different.

I won't hide it away inside like it's a dirty secret. Yes, I struggle with infertility and it SUCKS... but the little battles that we win against it - those are worth celebrating to me... I WANT to talk about it, I enjoy learning about it, it's probably redundant and boring to most people... and that's okay....

it's important to me... and those who are interested will ask questions, or maybe someone who has a similar issue from the side lines will be thankful I shared my journey so they know they aren't alone.... and if it helps them from ending up in that horrible, depressed state that I was in after 5 years before getting pregnant with abbie.... it's worth putting it out there for me.

One of the things that I appreciate most in this life - is that when your optimistic and hopeful, people tend to hope right there with you, and most people are super supportive and mean well, and I truly believe that positive energy and positive thoughts and positive attitude goes a long way....

Even if it just makes it so you can cope.

WE GOT SNOW!!!!

2012-01-21T16:08:00.001-08:00

graphic post about fluids

2012-01-21T00:55:00.000-08:00

So, i'm always reading fertility posts, and other posts and read so many different books about fertility and fluids and one thing I noticed they have in common, they use these awful descriptive works like "egg white consistency"

I've never had that, I don't get it, but whatever. I read the OPK websites and they are so damn tactful about how they describe things it makes me want to rip my hair out.

Well, my fluids are not egg white like - what they ARE like however is peeing myself. constantly. a river of it. pooling in my buttcrack when I sit, sliding down my thighs when I stand, i'm so horny I could hump myself... but the fluids are everywhere.

I would describe them more like watery-lube that resembles KY or pre-seed.... the stuff that makes sex feel good with the right amount of friction, no lube required. yeah.. that.

self-made lube. exactly.

Why can't they more graphically describe fluids and how they come out and how messy they are and how it runs down rivers in your pants or pools in your buttcrack and slides all over the place and actually describe the sensations.

I don't get the "slippery when wet" references because it's not quite graphic enough to get it... creamy, lotion-y, okay I get that, i know what that one is... easy peasy.

but fertile fluids? lube-like? can you be just slightly more graphic about that one? the books didn't prepare me for a femera fertile cycle with lube-like fluids dripping out of me to the point where I can't even sit with out making my own personal pool of fluids that looks like I dumped a bottle of lube in my pants, on my chair and all over my thighs.

Thanks books, you were *Really* helpful for being prepared for this.

active dominance

2012-01-20T18:44:00.001-08:00

I think a lot of people prefer the term "Active dominance" instead of domination or domineering because it DOES sound less scary and more consensual - or because it sounds more like someone makes an effort to be that way, instead of naturally being that way with out thinking about it.

I think "domination" is a lot less scary as an act for some people when it appears to be thought out, and pre-meditated, rather than a natural personality trait... (one is good, the other is seen as the person being a jackass.)

Luckily for me... I like jack asses. I like it when it's someone's natural personality rather than a thought out thing... when he grabs my throat because it amuses him, he gives me the look because it's his natural reaction to me rather than some showy act.

If he has to act, it's not real to me... I'd probably end up laughing at him, but when his hand curls in my hair, or my collar I take him seriously, it's not a joke, he ain't playing... it's who he is and I respond to him authentically and naturally because it's who he is....

I like that he's a controlling, domineering jackass. the more controlling he gets, the more turned on I get... I can't exactly help my physical response to him... but it's hot... and it makes me wet. LOL

I find the more controlling he is - the more obedient I tend to be. I know he will win... so I test less often and just do what i'm told...

I think there's a difference between active "attention" and showy acts of dominance.... he notices. it's subtle when he manipulates me... but there are times... when I get a stick up my ass.. and he has no issues removing it.

It's not negotiated, it's not agreed upon, and he didn't push me to get the stick up my ass... it just got there on it's own. LOL so he removed it when he felt like it.

This is one of those topics that I have a really hard time writing on, because it means something different to everyone, when I think of active dominance - I think of pretend showy pre-meditated acts that aren't authentic.

When I think of domineering, domination... control, I think of personality traits that are inherent on a daily basis and just part of the "welcome to emma's world." that happen... you know?

I'm not really service oriented... I'm not really submissive, so the "Active" dominance most likely would get me laughing and a "make me you jackass" response... LOL

Of course, that often comes out of my mouth anyways... LOL so I dunno - it is who I am... and it is who he is... and we just are.

I like who we are together. It's fun, there's a lot of laughter, a lot of love, a lot of wrestling and good sex... and most of all, were growing old together.. and the more time we spend together, the more we like each other....

It's kinda odd.

Snow!!!

2012-01-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

Write a dumb blog about snow and how much you like it, how you go out more, and how we didn't get much in Seattle. You can post or not but I always like how excited you get about snow.

Well, I think that's uber sweet and it's a super cute blog topic... and it really, really made me smile thinking about Jake liking my excitement.

I've got two buttons in life... on... and off... when i'm off, i'm pretty mellow, laid back and people wouldn't even notice I exist for the most part.... I just kind of plug along, happily doing my thing, i'm a pretty happy person most of the time... I just don't always "show" it I guess... I'm pretty mellow trying to bounce off the walls ALL the time is really hard for me to do... so I go on and off.... rock stars help... :P

but when i'm on... i'm REALLY on... I get excited about simple things, I bounce off the walls with the enthusiasm of a young child and there's only a few things in life that *Really* get me that excited.

Chocolate.... babies...a new book occasionally... puppies... new experiences that don't traumatize me... and SNOW!!!

I love snow. it's white and purdy and I like to play in it and I like to walk in it, and there's just something so majestically beautiful about snow... I like snow more than I like the sun... as odd as that may seem.

It takes a lot to get me excited about stuff - but when I DO get excited, it's hard to turn me off... LOL Snow is one of those buttons that I watch out the window waiting for the first few flakes to fall, I bounce around waiting for it to accumulate enough to go play in it...

I enjoy the fresh smell that comes with a new snow... the air smells different, it feels different... It just makes me happy... LOL

It makes me smile to think that Jake loves my enthusiasm for such simple things in life and when I think about him, it's those things that stick out and make me feel like he truly accepts me for who I am...

It's a simple thing really... but a child-like love of the snow is one of those things that most people wouldn't get... and he enjoys my response to things in life like that.... and I greatly appreciate that.

panic :o

2012-01-20T15:49:00.001-08:00

Seriously, now that I got a super super super positive ovulation kit that says "hey, your body THINKS" it's ovulating...

I'm kind of panicking - all these "What ifs" through my head... like

holy shit after spending 5 years trying to get pregnant with abbie, what are the ODDS of it working the first medicated cycle for baby #3?

then trying to tell myself to breathe and that even though the OPK said its positive the temp charting has to accurately reflect it for the ovulation to be real before I get my hopes up....

But... it's totally a step in the right direction and a part of me is panicked because this is a new house; a new place, I don't have any support system besides Jake and the hospital has a c-section friendly doc and a very opinionated big black guy as a doc.... and they may or may not absolutely 100% clash with me and my personality... (I mean, i'm intending to breastfed through this pregnancy and would have another home birth if it was a realistic option...)

so, Jake started researching (did I mention how much I LOVE this man lately? omg) midwives, birth centers and high-risk doctors with in a reasonable time frame... and he even talked to me about vacation/family time and other things and how it would work around my due-date if I were to get pregnant....

He found quite a few midwives/birth centers that are a realistic possibility (2 hour drive - or so.) and we talked about "what if" scenarios (i.e. me not realizing i'm in labor until it's too late to drive 2 hours to give birth hahaha)

Abbie came pretty quickly and until my water broke I wasn't sure 100% I was in labor or not.... and by the time my water broke, she was born in less then an hour (even though I had no dilation changes until my water broke, I went from 4-10 with her delivered in sub an hour...)

so that's in the back of my head too - that if my water breaks when i'm sleeping, we may just be shit out of luck on a birth center and have to drive the 10 minutes to deliver in the parking lot of the damn hospital.... I told him I could handle that... but i'd prefer not too do that!

Knowing what our "options" are goes a long way for helping me feel excited and uber positive about being pregnant again and hoping that it works out.

I admit I was afraid of the what-if's with giving birth in this area and I'm glad Jake was able to help me talk it through, do research to show me alternatives and tell me what he felt was a reasonable alternative to just settling for the local OB's if I didn't like them.

It makes getting pregnant something I am praying for, instead of tentatively being kind of scared of having it happen even if i WANTED it....

waiting to confirm ovulation and pregnancy though is going to drive me insane, so I apologize in advance if over the next couple weeks, that's what I'm semi focused on. :P

OMG !!!!

2012-01-20T14:31:00.001-08:00

I sit here, and feel so excited about the idea of raping Jake here in a few minutes. (okay, by the time I posted this blog, I already went and humped him.)

I got my first truly, super super super dark OPK in my entire life. I've been using them for almost a year and i've never had one this dark before.

I've also never used femera before. After a 5 year struggle of infertility to get pregnant with abbie, I really didn't think femera was going to work for me since clomid didn't.... PLUS i'm still breastfeeding and everyone warned me that i wasn't going to ovulate.

you know what? I'm glad Jake ordered me to take the damn pills anyways and not give in to my fears. even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, to actually SEE a successful ovulation for the first time in my life, with matching signs... well..

it's a brand new experience for me.

I have ovulation symptoms, ones I can actually write down and pin point, a good looking chart with okay temps, and fluids, omg FLUIDS galore, I have so much fluids running down my legs, who needs lube??? LOL and when I say fluids, I mean its slippery wet like KY and is dripping in rivers down my legs... and that's what I woke up to this morning.

i thought i'd peed myself at first.... LOL

That was a brand new experience for me too!!! I've never had fluids like this before in my life... well besides when I squirt, but I wasn't squirting so that was a no-brainer.

It's a possibility my body could still NOT release said egg, and we'll know for sure in 2-5 days based on temp charting along with all the other signs..... but I'm going to keep my positive attitude about this and refuse to get depressed over it.

this IS a step in the right direction and that's what matters.

Now, it's time to fuck Jake. :) We interrupt your normal daily emma programming, to go do the nasty... we will return shortly after a nice fuck break. ;)

Sex and baby making

2012-01-19T15:51:00.001-08:00

Jake wanted me to write about sex, and how important intimacy is to us. And, kind of how it works even after kids and being married for almost 6 years....

A lot of people lose their sex drive over time, either due to age, stress, working too much, or if they have infertility issues, trying to "time sex" and charting and doing all that technical stuff is often a huge turn off for many men.

Trying to get pregnant and have a baby does change our sex drive, but almost in a more positive way than a negative way. We have sex quite often, "just because" we dont' always know if my body's working right or not and we just have the logic of "just be in a habit of having sex daily" and odds will catch up to us eventually.....

Jake's not sure exactly how different our sex life would be if we hadn't always pretty much tried to get pregnant for the majority of our marriage.... (I think he'd get a lot more blow jobs and me asking him to waste his sperm on me, but that's probably more graphic than the average person wants to hear.... ahhaha)

Jake likes that we almost always have sex "just in case" and it's on a regular basis, whether we are charting or not. We find we have more sex when we are actively trying to get pregnant then if we aren't really "trying". (i.e. after we had abbie, we had sex, and we had sex a few times a week but not the way we did once we decided to start trying actively again to have another baby.)

When we first got married, we humped like bunnies, multiple times per day, and marathons on the weekends!

These days, due to trying to get pregnant on purpose and realizing that timing, sperm and other factors are important, we do it once in a 24 hour period, we chart because we know when sperm can be "wasted" (i.e. on my period or after ovulation is over and i'm no longer almost fertile or am fertile.) and we can get frisky in other ways.... or more than once per day. ;)

I like that Trying to conceive actually forces us to be more intimate even when we are too tired - because "just in case" we can't miss more then a 24-48 hour period with out sex....

I like feeling used too - the idea that he just uses me to deposit his stuff is really fking hot to me too, I get off on it, I masturbate to it and the idea of him knocking me up arouses me.... the act itself is hot, but it having a purpose, and it's "going to happen" no matter how tired I am... is really really hot as a concept for me... and it makes TTC very sexy, arousing and hot to me.

It keeps it spicey for me when a lot of other people complain about it being "work" instead of fun.

Having sex is fun for me. baby making is fun for me and practicing is just damn sexy.

First medicated cycle... wish me luck!

2012-01-19T12:51:00.001-08:00

the lines are a little darker in person on the OPK this is fresh. I wanted to snap a picture so I had something that wasn't "dried out" to compare to tonights line and tomorrow's line.

when researching femera and OPK's a lot of resources said that an almost positive OPK should count because with femera, your OPK's may not be as dark of a surge - not sure why, but that's what I read... this was close enough to positive that if i'm going off "that" - I figured i'd count it.

ESPECIALLY since the last few days were very, very, negative and not even close to positive...

promising chart so far? I hope so!!! I have no idea what a normal cycle should look like - let alone a femera chart... so here's keeping my fingers crossed that things are working like they are supposed too!

white lies....

2012-01-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

I personally think "little white lies" can lead to bigger lies and is an unhealthy path to go down. I know some people say it's not a big deal, etc etc, but to me, it would lead me to be un-trusting over time - and i'm such a bad liar anyways, there's not a point for me to even try. LOL

I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone, where i couldn't be honest about everything - if i had to fudge the truth to keep the peace, it's not a relationship I want to be in. Jake is luckily not easily butt hurt, nor does his ego get bruised easily, so it works for me. I'm required to be honest to him, about everything, even things that aren't always "nice".

I don't always like the truth, but i'd rather him be honest with me, than lie to me... the idea he'd have to lie to me actually offends me! LOL

Jake feels similar - lies, big, small, or by omission aren't allowed in our relationship.... and if I think I spoke incorrectly, I will keep re-clarifying until i'm sure that the information I gave was as accurate as possible.

No one is perfect, and people make mistakes, but i don't intentionally lie to Jake, or keep things from him, or mislead him. And, he does the same for me... by his choice... I think I am very blessed to have such an honest man... honesty apparently is a rarity these days.

If something looks bad on me, or something I cooked tastes bad, I can't improve it, fix it, work on it, etc with out knowing about it, and that goes for everything in our life.

I'd rather know how he feels, and thinks - truthfully, then have someone who feels like they need to placate me. (thank god Jake doesn't!)

And, I feel the same way about me - I don't want to have to fib to make Jake happy. I'd rather be honest and deal with whatever it is, big OR small. :)

Honesty about everything in life is something that is essential to my being able to trust Jake. I don't expect him not to make mistakes, or even make bad decisions occasionally, or misspeak once in a while.... but honesty, and how you deal with those situations are the key to trust and building a healthy foundation.

I truly believe that white lies aren't compatible with that in our life.

OMG... Cat litter disaster.

2012-01-18T12:36:00.001-08:00

We were slowly waking up this morning and the cat was scratching at our bedroom door, so I finally got up and opened the door to let him inside our room and abbie walked out of our bedroom. I laid back down on the bed for a few minutes with Jake to cuddle...

our house is usually babyproofed... except our son knocked over the baby gate this morning.... Abbie was being really, really quiet and that should have been the "warning" that she wasn't just happily playing with her toys.

Nope. she was busy dumping the cat food, cat water into the litter box and playing with the "Sand".... she turned our entire laundry room into a cat-litter sandbox - and of course, this entire thing took less then 5 minutes.

cat liter coated our entire kitchen, living room, and even our bed.

I could only kind of stand there staring, it hadn't totally registered in my coffee-less brain yet what just happened to my house.

Jake is amazing, the most, awesome man in the entire world.

He shoved a cup of coffee in my hand, put the baby in the shower, washed her off, handed her to me to put a diaper on her, and some clean clothes and told me to drink my coffee and watch her that "I got this."

He cleaned the entire house up from Abbie's... cat litter rampage.

I love that man. It's days like this when he really does deserve to be on the pedestal I normally don't have him on... LOL

My house is now clean again, laundry's being redone, the cat box is organized again, baby gates are up again in their proper places.... and he even hand-scrubbed the kitchen floor.

There's something really sexy about a man who knows how to clean a house, i'm not gonna lie.

How to humiliate a bulldog

2012-01-17T20:58:00.001-08:00

Not even the dog is safe from my hello kitty addiction. ;)

Keeping it between us

2012-01-17T17:52:00.001-08:00

Jake and I have been together for a few years now.... and the one thing I notice is how laid back we apparently are when it comes to how he handles people messaging me, or me talking to others online.

Jake gave me rules, boundaries, and expects me to respect his wishes... and stay in his box. He doesn't put expectation or boundaries on outside people because the only person he can control in our life is me.

He doesn't care who messages me, he doesn't care who adds me, or who I talk too - he knows that I will delete anyone who over steps my comfort level, make boundaries clear to people who seem unsure of what they are, and know how to block people that aren't respectful of my relationship with Jake.

It's not on outside people to live by my rules, it's my job to live by Jake's rules, and to enforce what are acceptable Jake boundaries in my life, on myself.... not other people.

If other people want to talk to me, and know where my boundaries are - then it works. Jake knows I will stay with in his boundaries of acceptable contact and even encourages me to talk with other people and keep myself busy by talking to online friends.

I could say it's because he trusts me - but the reality is it's got nothing to do with trust. He doesn't want people spamming his inbox all the time with requests to talk to me when I'm the one who's enforcing his rules for me. It's not up to outside people to live by his rules or message him, or live up to a protocol that has no bearing on anyone else outside of "Jake and I" you know?

The only person and life Jake can control is ours. He knows that I'll stay with in his box, so he just puts guidelines on me and expects me to deal with it.

It works for us, and it's creates a lot less drama for us then constantly involving a middle man for someone else to say "hi" to me casually. LOL

pedestal

2012-01-16T21:31:00.001-08:00

someone asked me recently how I handle Jake making mistakes and falling off the pedestal it sounds like I have him on... my first reaction was "what pedestal?" my second reaction was to sit and think about it for a while, and then this was what my answer was....

Maybe it will help her. Maybe it will help someone else... or maybe, it's just a waste of a blog space, but either way..... LOL

Yep, he's made a few major mistakes - and we worked through it - because of the foundation we had... I don't have him on a pedestal, despite I guess how it sounds... I think the reason I think of him the way I do is because he's made major mistakes and I know we can make it through anything together... we've proven that together.

I know he makes mistakes, and is only human.... so when he does something dumb, or stupid, we worked through it like humans....

I think the key is how he handled it, more so than how I handled it, you know? He let me rage, be upset, and talked through it, then we just plugged along until I saw that the mistake he made was not only fixable, but a good life lesson for both of us.

I don't have him on a pedestal, so he doesn't have to fall very far - and it prevents damage from being done. I also keep in mind that he makes decisions based on available information at the time, and sometimes, he doesn't always make the right choice - even if at the TIME to him, it seems like the right choice....

we work through it because he's human and I know I do the same things at times... we work through it because he puts in the effort to help me work through whatever it is, and he's proven enough in 6 years, that we can work through anything together, so those "mistakes" are a lot easier to forgive after our history together because i've seen that he tries very hard to not make them... and he tries hard to make sure they don't happen again when he does.

I don't expect him not to fail.... it's how he handles it that makes the difference.

it doesn't mean they are weak

2012-01-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

When Jake and I first got together... one of the first things he did was enforce a bed time and it *almost* ended our relationship.

No joke. We didn't have agreed upon dynamics, we didn't have safewords, we didn't have nothing that most people who consensually go into these relationships have.... when they go into them knowing what they are agreeing too.

I just fell into it with him, we didn't have words, or labels... so when he started enforcing a bed time.. I balked.. hard core.

I raged. I threw fits, I threatened to leave him, I cried, my vanilla friends were telling me no man should tell me what to do... and he was patient and logical and kept slowly pecking away at me until I somehow saw things his way.

Over time - We learned how to talk, how to communicate, we had to put words to our relationship so we could actually discuss it.

I'm a lot more cooperative when I understand *why* something is happening, including but not limited too, me knowing that I signed up for this dynamic with him, even if i'm stupid at times for saying "sure, your the boss..." LOL

He's not illogical, or unreasonable, he pushes when it's important, he doesn't ask for things that don't matter to him and he's not prone to getting irritated for no reason. He's very stable. It makes it easy to trust him because of it....

I don't ask for a lot... I like my games - and a part of me will bring things up to him, I express my interest in it. We talk about it... then I drop it for a while and wait to see if I *still* am interested in it. If I am, I push the issue and bring it up again and we talk again.

There are times when I get frustrated that he doesn't listen to me, or do things my way - but that's part of what I get out of it.... I can be wrong. I can make mistakes, I can make dumb choices, i'm human and not infallible either!

The two of us make a good team that way. I really only speak up if something sounds *really* dumb to me, and since Jake's not a very dumb guy, that doesn't happen very often.

I sometimes get cranky that I don't get what I want in life, or that he tells me no... you know, to like a drink, or a piece of chocolate, or staying up late or watching a particular movie....

But... that's okay - I signed up for it, I respect him because I don't always get my way... if he let me have everything I wanted all the time, especially if it wasn't good for me - how could I trust him to lead our family?

He makes wise decisions, and someone being "nice or mellow" doesn't mean they are a push over either... a lot of people think that because someone is quiet and observes means they are unaware because they aren't in your face about it.

See, I enjoy the push and battle of trying to win. I enjoy pushing and trying to get my way, and while I hate losing, I like losing more than I like winning, the fleeting moment of happiness at getting my way doesn't make me feel the longer-term of joy at knowing he made me lose and he's stronger, meaner, tougher and more stubborn than I am.

It's one of those semi-complicated topics I think.

Being wise, and observant and picking your battles wisely to me is a sign of intelligence and the ability to lead well, it doesn't make them weak. I think a lot of times people don't understand that a "predator" likes to play and frolic just as much as their prey does... and it's not always about eating said prey. :P

old-fashioned

2012-01-15T16:42:00.001-08:00

Jake and I found each other on craigslist.... vanilla dating site - he messaged me and we hit it off. He was persistent and I had worded my ad in a way that caught his attention. If he hadn't been determined, persistent and patient, we probably never would have met in person. I was cautious, and leery when we met.

I had a lot of emotional hang ups, and was trying to figure my life out. I had issues with sex, and the idea of embracing who I was, and what I really wanted in life. Jake saw something in me, and found me appealing enough to put in the work to get what he wanted from me.

I grew up originally outside of seattle, with a feminist, man-hating type of family. The idea that a woman would WANT to belong to a man, controlled by a man, considered property of a man was drilled into my head that it was wrong.

It was also drilled into my head that a woman had ot have a career, be self sufficient and never rely on anyone else and she shouldn't "let" anyone make her happy - that she should only find happiness on her own.

It never felt right to me. I could do those things, take care of myself, I was in college, a single mom... and I hated it, I wasn't happy, and it's because I wasn't being true to myself... I decided when I was ready to put myself out there and seek what I wanted in life no matter what anyone else thought.

I put "seeks old fashioned" relationship. That's what I assumed I was looking for, something from the 1500-1800's where a woman belong to her man.. stayed home, cared for the children, etc etc. (the fun clothing from those eras always attracted me too!)

I needed a man strong enough that I couldn't manipulate, control, or boss around - all of which are fairly normal personality traits for me. I found growing up dating men who placated me and catered to me, and wouldn't tell me no had me losing respect for them and i'd eventually wander out of the relationship bored... looking for "more".

I'm a stubborn, pigheaded, controlling, bossy woman and I wanted a man who'd put me in my place and had the personality to live with me, while being able to get what he wanted from me, even when I was feeling uncooperative and argumentative.

"Submissive" is not a word the average person would use to describe me - even today in my relationship with Jake, we consider ourselves "old fashioned" - He may be head of household, he may own me, he may be in charge, but he keeps me on a tight leash because I'm not submissive in personality and i'm a bit of a handful.

Jake doesn't prize obedience, or service the way most Master's might. He likes a challenge, and he likes that he has to push me to get the desired result.

We like the dance and predatory and prey responses that come from it.

The more animalistic and predatory he gets, the more of a challenge it is for me, I obey and surrender to him because we've done the dance enough to know that he wins every single time.

It's not about freely given submission - I'm not submissive, there's nothing for me to give.

He takes, he makes me, he forces me, and when I balk, he stalks me until I'm cornered prey and then he reminds me who's boss.

this is the reason our relationship works for us.... he may own me, but it takes a tight leash and a caddle prod. LOL

submission

2012-01-14T17:44:00.001-08:00

I am so uber submissive and perfect and it's such a gift that I give Jake and he better appreciate my gift so I don't stab him with a fork. Are you still with me? you didn't faint right?

In all seriousness though, I'm not really submissive in personality, I am feisty, bossy, bitchy, grumpy a little crazy.... and I'm cute enough that Jake finds me endearing rather than annoying... LOL

People say "oh but didn't you do X to make Jake happy" and it's like... no, not really... he made me do it and when he untied me, I bit him.

Yeah, i'm a biter. LOL and I bluster, and I tackle him, and I pull his leg hair... i'm onery. And I tell him I hate him sometimes... and that he makes me mad... and that I have a love hate relationship with him... and it makes me mad that I want to fuck his brains out even when he's pissing me off.... yeah still don't totally get that one. ^.^

So, I'd like to say that i'm some super awesome slave that always has the most perfectly clean house, doesn't grump, does what she's told with a big smile on her face and a gushing OH THANK YOU MASTER FOR LETTING ME SERVE YOU....

but the reality is? I'm really not into that serving shit - I SOMETIMES do things to make him happy because he works hard for us and he deserves it not out of some uber desire to please him though, just as a way to thank him for everything he does in our life, and I don't always care if he's happy.... and I get really grumpy when I don't get my way. LOL

But.... that's kinda what Jake and I both get out of it. He likes manipulating me to get his way, and pushing me to do things his way when i'd rather do it my way... he enjoys making me do things I dislike... And enjoys watching me battle myself and internally struggle with trying to fit inside his box instead of my own.

Which is kind of what I get out of it, I'm an emotional masochist and I am big on the force thing... it works because of my personality - I really don't think Jake would be happy with someone who was quiet and did what they were told and always wanted to see him smile and be happy all the time.

Jake likes a challenge - which is good, because if someone didn't want a challenge, I would really be the wrong person for them. I'm pretty stubborn, ornery, crazy... but according to Jake i'm bloody fuckin hilarious, so I guess that counts for something.

I don't know - I usually compare myself to a dog that bites him and pee's on his shoes and if he tries to whack me with a news paper i'd take it from him and chew it up out of spite.... but... with the right motivation, manipulation, rewards and not setting me up to fail... I do okay. I please him just by existing and being me, which is good since being me would drive most people crazy. LOL

And, I think living with me would drive most people crazy. LOL I drive me crazy and i'm living in my head... most of the time.

Jake had this great blog topic, and I totally got off topic, it was about submitting and being a challenge and why we both got something out of it... but I really get something out of being forced, and being pushed, and being actively dominated on a semi-regular basis.... that makes me happiest.... and when I'm happy I tend to be a lot more cooperative...

I don't really know where the circle starts, and stops.. it's kind of a circle... we both find a way to balance and keep the circle a circle because we both get something out of our relationship, and we are good match....

I think the fact that we are a good match, is most of it. LOL

wild animal

2012-01-14T17:02:00.001-08:00

Jake and I have been together about 6 years now, we'll celebrate 6 years of marriage in april and I am looking forward to that - we have over come many different trials, hardships, and experienced so many joys together too... the kind of memories that last a life time and shape you.... and the kind of hardships that bond you closer together like glue.

I'm usually pretty good at getting through *anything* while going through it. I keep my shit together, deal with the situation, stay calm, rational, logical, then fall apart *once* it's over. I'm getting better at reducing the style of my falling apart from stress though... I used to get depressed, sleep an obscene amount to cope with all the brain stress, be uber-ly moody, etc.

these days, unless i'm on hormones or go with out sleep for long periods of time, i'm usually pretty good at just verbally communicating my "after-stress" melt downs in feelings and talking to him about what I need to help me re-evaluate myself, my life, our life, and where we stand together.

Every single time we go through a stressful situation, whether it takes a week, or a year - we come out together on the other-side, stronger than we did when we walked into it.

I believe that communication has been the key to our success... sex certainly helps keep intimacy going, but communication is the foundation for keeping all the gears and wheels turning... sex is just the oil on the gears to keep them from squeaking. ;)

I used to feel awkward about letting Jake see me struggle, or have little tantrums or emotional out bursts due to stress - but he wants to see "all" of me... the good, the bad, the ugly... he doesn't want me to hold anything back, or hide from him. He also believes that bottling things up inside is unhealthy, and he'd rather I tell him in explicit detail how I feel, then have me pretend i'm fine when I'm not.

You know, like me having an OCD meltdown due to lots of life changes and walking out and having a messy kitchen. I clean the kitchen and it doesn't fix my mood. I start sweeping and he can see that i'm just vibrating with tension... so he grabs the broom and tells me to stop.

I stop. look at him and tell him if he doesn't let go of my broom right that minute i'll go rabid badger on his ass and bite him.

Then, the fucker has the audacity to laugh at me... but he had plenty of warning... I lean over and bite his hand. ^.^

Jake has an odd sense of humor. He likes that i'm rabid and can be a little ornery. He routinely tells me that watching me be grumpy is better than any sitcom. ^.^

I'm grateful that he's the only person i've been able to be my authentic, true self with and not have to hide or pretend to be someone i'm not.

I feel very blessed and still remember the first time I told him he was making me feel so irritated I want to break a plate over his head and he dared me to do it. ^.^ I didn't have the nerve to do it - I was *pretty* sure if I broke a plate over his head he might not have found it as funny as he did prior to it happening as a concept.... LOL

I might be a little wild - but I'm not suicidal. :P

what ifs

2012-01-14T10:50:00.000-08:00

People always talk about "what if...." and all I can do is scratch my head and wonder why people are so worried what MIGHT happen, instead of living life that they have and what's right in front of them.

sure, Jake could die tomorrow, or I could... but the odds of it happening are fairly slim, so i'll take my chances with what i've got. I find my life an acceptable risk.

Sure, it's smart to have some safety net things in place, like power of attorneys, life insurance policies and some talk of what to do or what's expected if the unthinkable DOES happen.....

I don't have a "nest" egg of my own emergency money in case the worst happens, but we do have life insurance policy that will take care of me and our family for life if something were to happen to him.

I'd rather have him than the money - that's for sure, but I don't lose sleep at night over what-if's.

Life is way to short to focus on what if's, life is way to short to work your ass away because of what if's and not focus on some of the things that are important and right in front of your face.

If you spend your entire life worrying about what if's, and working on all these different what if possibilities to try and prevent them from happening, or making sure you'll survive them if they happen, they can often keep you from living your life and enjoying it.

I guess for me, I think having a back up plan is a smart decision, but having a back up plan that gives you the freedom to enjoy your life goes a long way too.

I guess I just don't get all the horror stories and what if's that keep people from taking the leap.

Like, I could die in child birth (and almost did once.) but it doesn't stop me from having more kids.... the benefits far out weight the risks to me.

Jake could die going to work, driving a car, or getting hit by lightening... but it doesn't stop him from his life or activities.

sure - bad things can happen in life, but if you focus on the "what ifs" you'll forget to live the life you have... and life is a pretty awesome thing to experience.

property

2012-01-13T23:29:00.001-08:00

I don't know exactly what the word means to me... property that is. I think of multiple things when I think property. I think of my dog, my computer, my car... my chocolate.

Things that mean a lot to me, that i'd fight for. (or bite you for if someone tried to take it from me... especially chocolate.)

I don't see people throwing away property that means something to them, so I don't quite get how people "go through" so many slaves or relationship if their "property" has value to them.

I don't know exactly why being property is comforting to me, but I guess i'd rather be owned, like a dog, and controlled, and put on a leash and tamed then be a wife and expected to be equal and make decisions and boss my spouse around.

I'd rather be an owned cunt on a leash. It... does something to me that I can't quite explain. I don't WANT to be equal in our relationship. I don't want to be able to boss you around - which is my natural personality trait. I want someone to tell me to shut up and quit being so bossy and do what i'm told and make me when I mouth off.

Property means that it's valued, that someone takes care of it so it's value goes up, instead of down. Property means that you can do what you want with it, but you take care of it because you enjoy owning it, and you work hard to maintain it and keep it's value... and that you wouldn't own something that was invaluable.

I mean, an average idiot COULD ram his mustang into a brick wall, but... the average car owner wouldn't waste an expensive piece of machinery.

An idiot COULD starve his dog, but a smart dog owner feeds his dog and trains it to do the things they want and gives its treat and pets and attention because the dog adds' value to his life by existing... even if the maintenance takes work.

A little bit of oil goes a long way. ;)

lists

2012-01-13T19:51:00.001-08:00

I'm a kind of OCD.... Lists, routine and structure mean a lot ot me... when I have lists of things to do, I also feel like I have mini-goals to accomplish and I feel good when I can check things off my lists.

Even if it's small, pointless things, like remembering to eat, taking a shower, sweeping the floor and normal tasks i'd do anyways, the lists of my tasks remind me that i'm active, and do things and get things done on a daily basis.

when Jake notices the things I do, it's the only validation and form of payment I get. I don't get financial compensation for the things I do in life, so i appreciate when he notices that the stupid, every day, little things I do help make his life and our house run better, and smoothly and he needs me to keep up doing my part for our household to function properly.

It's good to feel needed, and useful and have my lists. I like having my lists because when i'm having a bad day, I can check things off my list and still feel like I accomplish things even when I feel worthless or useless and I like I didn't get anything done.

Control and service

2012-01-11T10:41:00.001-08:00

In the last almost 6 years of marriage, Jake has done more "caretaking" in our life out of a sense of responsibility and control.

I struggle with allowing someone else to take care of me, and am very much a "I can do it myself, thanks." kind of person, that particular attitude was a challenge for him and he wanted me to learn how to rely on him, trust him and depend on him and drop the attitude that I could do everything for myself.

6 years later, and I can ask for help, admit defeat when I lose, and still mouth off to him that I don't NEED his help... I just sometimes *want* it... (nod nod so there!) haha

Since moving here and relocating, I've taken over almost everything that he normally did. Errands, cooking, way more cleaning and other responsibilities that he normally did (like bathing the dogs, checking water, trimming their nails, feeding them 3x a day, etc)

We sort of went into a role reversal with me care-taking him and providing all sorts of other services where I had to make constant decisions for him instead of him being in control and making all the decisions on a daily basis.

It's been hard, I miss the control aspects of him choosing what I ate, and cooking dinner, and how much I was allowed to have on my plate.

I miss him picking out my clothes, and getting rid of anything that doesn't appeal to him on a regular basis. I miss him making the majority of decisions and I hate feeling like i'm the one in control all the time by having to cook and clean and do things and make decisions....

It's different... some people would loveeee a slave who does all the maid work and cooking and cleaning... but Jake and I struggle with it.

He hates me making decisions and babying him, and I hate the lack of control that we have in our life by my being the one who is making all the decisions - and doing everything for him to take care of him. ^.^ I have other things I have to take care of that don't include him and it gets a bit overwhelming sometimes (like kids and pets and entire household...)

So, adding "him" on top of it is kind of stressful because I don't have an outlet where I can let go and not worry about everything constantly. ^.^ this has been one of the more stressful transitions in our life together.

I know he appreciates me and the things I do for him, but I really can't wait until we can go back to normal and back to the way things "work" for us and make both of us happy.

I like being bossed around and controlled and forced to let someone else take care of me even though I can take care of myself and everyone else.... I get off on the force stuff, I get a lot out of knowing that he cares enough about me to want to be in control and take care of me.

It's been hard doing my job, and his job, and waiting my turn for life to be sorted out again. LOL

I dunno if this is the exact blog he was expecting when he told me to write about this topic, but it's certainly what came out.

The hormones from the fertility drugs aren't helping my moodswings right now either. I am grumpy and having nightmares and kind of feel like biting a chunk out of his leg and peeing in his shoes. ^.^

cuffed

2012-01-10T17:56:00.001-08:00

So... we were in the kitchen and I was standing there pouting thanks to the hormones just making me feel like walking around saying "I'm grumpy, I'm grumpy...." LOL

Jake follows me from the kitchen to the bedroom with a pair of handcuffs... I go I don't want to play your silly games, go away. I'm grumpy!

So, I sit down at my computer and then he handcuffs me and orders me to give him the other hand...

Fine.. I sigh.. he won't give up until he gets his way.

Now, I'm handcuffed behind my back and I sit there pouting looking at him.

Then he says "but can you get out of them" he taunts me...

Me, being the sarcastic, awful cunt I am says "yep."

"Show me" he says.

So, I did, while he laughed at me because it took two tries to maneuver over my ass (because I have a big butt for a white girl) and once I got them in front of me, it was pretty easy to slip out of them ;)

Pwned.

kids... i love them even if they drive me nuts.

2012-01-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

She got her first owie that required a band-aid.... by tripping over the cat. ^.^

He wanted his sister to watch a movie so he was trying to convince her to sit with him and watch it. She tolerated it for about.... 30 seconds.

How she takes most of her naps still on me....

Jaymie was only outside to prove he was as tough as his little sister.
I think he might grow up to be an IT nerd.... he's anti outdoors. LOL

She melts my heart.

A girl and her dog.

No one is gonna mess with "his" baby.

Three little monkeys....

fertility drugs

2012-01-08T08:00:00.001-08:00

Jake suggested I write a blog on hormones and share a little bit of my journey with taking fertility drugs. ^.^ So, I dunno exactly what to say, but I'll try to write something that people might understand. LOL

Hormones are a bitch. literally. my normal hormones make me a little grumpy, but birth control, progesterone, fertility drugs turn me into psycho woman with a strap on who beats people with it while yelling like tarzan and hanging off rope swings....

okay, minus the rope swings, but the tarzan like chest thumping and animalistic behavior? totally.

I always warn Jake before I take any hormones - i *make* sure he's prepared to deal with "psycho bitch emma from hell" before I take them.

I get snippy and grumpy and act very out of character for me - actually the only time I've really come close to killing him was while on birth control a few years ago. He seriously tells doctors "that's the only time we've ever come close to divorce, never, ever again will she take hormonal birth control."

LOL I can live with that, prevention isn't our problem anyways, getting pregnant is....

So, I just took a week of progesterone. I'm bleeding now and i'll be a little less moody and bitchy and bossy once i'm done bleeding.... except then I start a new drug I haven't taken before to help build a lining and encourage ovulation.

Lets hope it works and lets hope the "mood swing" side effects are minimal. LOL

I probably owe my son an apology for this last week for being so short tempered and telling him to go outside and play so I wouldn't grump at him for normal kid stuff. ^.^

When I'm on the hormones, I can't even handle my cats sitting on my lap and I just don't act completely normal or like myself. Jake feels the "benefits" out weigh the temporary con's of the hormones and what they do to me..... LOL

Since he can live with it when I'm like that, I try to stay out of everyone's way so I don't get snippy when I don't mean too - I do my best to control myself on the hormones - but they *seriously* change my brain chemistry and make me act not like myself temporarily.

I dont particularly like that part of the hormones - but the end result (another pregnancy) is absolutely worth the short-term side effects.

I've managed to restrain from killing anyone outside of in a video game. ^.^ so I give myself mad props for that one! LOL

Changes

2012-01-08T07:35:00.001-08:00

Jake and I are going to be going through a big change in the next week or two, transitioning from a "day time" schedule to him working nights, and me staying up later so I can nap with him on and off during the daytime....

I don't do "change" well - it stresses me out and I do a lot better transitioning through change if I know what i'm facing and what i'm up against and can make a game plan for coping with the change that's going to happen... "go with the flow" really isn't in my vocabulary if he wants me sane and functional. LOL

Jake is more of a "go with the flow" kind of person and it gives me major panic attacks - but together we tend to find the right balance. I make plans, he goes with the flow and we both help each other find some middle ground so that life goes smooth.

Neither extreme is super healthy - but together we balance each other out well.

Jake suggesting we stay up and play star wars until he gets used to staying up all night definitely helps. :P provided his PC ever finishes the bloody download. (baby reset his PC last night and it had to start over from scratch. Epic fail - and he didn't restart it - I had too this morning when I realized he didn't bother to re-open it.... so he wasted an entire night of download time....)

Hopefully by you know, like mid-week he can actually play it. ^.^

It's going to take some trial and error to figure out the sleep schedule thing and how it's going to work best for our family. I have faith it will work out, even if the "change" is totally making me stress out right now. I hate when my "routine" drastically changes and i've had enough "change" in the last few months to last me a couple of years. LOL

stories

2012-01-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, Jake's been working on editing my book for a long time - I've been patiently waiting because he's been so busy, and i've been busy, and once we get into a better routine and I have a quiet work environment again with structure and routine, I should be able to get back into my "writing" habit on my stories. I have a couple books to work on and I think they have a lot of potential.

Jake likes the one he's working on now and thinks it is worth him finishing the editing on it. I've got the cover ready to go and as soon as it's ready, we can format it for print on demand, and kindle e-book.... I debated on going through a publishing house and I might with future books... but for now, I think I'll just do the one and get it up, then work on others and go from there.

Jake likes the story, and said he's looking forward to working on it and editing it, because now that he's re-reading it again, he likes it better than he did the first time and he finally has the time to sit down and really flush it out for me. I appreciate the effort - and I appreciate that he's usually pretty blunt with me about my stories, plot lines, character development, etc.

It may not be a book everyone likes, and Jake's pretty hard to please in that way, if it sucks, he'll tell me bluntly. LOL he definitely keeps my writer-ego in check. :P

It means a lot to me that he thinks I have the ability, talent, and potential to be a good writer and that my stories are worth reading, and worth his precious time to edit.

and they some how manage to adulthood.

2012-01-06T06:36:00.000-08:00

So - my son has no school today (or ever on fridays.)

I told him we are transitioning to a night shift, so I was going to practice "sleeping in" with his sister over the weekend since the goal was to get me staying up later so i'd sleep in a bit with Jake during the day time on his new schedule.

so 5:45 rolls around and I hear "bang bang bang" on my bedroom door.

I wake up from the most wonderful, REM deep sleep ever and mumble out "there's food in the kitchen, go help yourself and stop banging on my door"

it's quiet.... for about 2 minutes

Bang bang bang....

I ignore it. hoping maybe he will go away. but alas - he's persistent and it's not meant to be... incessant banging for non-stop 5 minutes or so.... nope he isn't going to go away... maybe this pillow will block out the banging....

Bang bang bang... bang bang bang... bang bang bang..

No, he's not going away, maybe it's an emergency- I think, I slowly wake up and my mom brain starts kicking in... maybe I actually need to get up and see what he needs at 5-something am in the morning.

"Okay, fine, what do you need - tell me quickly so I can go back to sleep..." - I say.

mumble-whisper....

"Uhm.. I can't hear you, open the door and spit it out."

Door creaks open.

"Mom...."

he whispers so quietly, my partially deaf hearing (and half-asleep state) can't understand a damn word he's saying.

"What?" I ask him.... and in my head i'm thinking, i'm going to freaking kill him if it's not a life or death emergency.

"Mom, star wars finished downloading on your laptop... just so you know, you can play it on there now."

WHAT YOU WOKE ME UP TO TELL ME ABOUT A VIDEO GAME?

Deep breath, pick up pillow, look at him... his eyes get wide, he see's pillow in hand, he slams door shut... and pillow is launched at door and then I reach around to bury ANOTHER pillow over my head....

oh, and my bulldog was nice enough to pick up the other pillow I threw and bring it back to me... so I pile that one over my head too....

but by then i'm awake... and it's too late... so I'm up.

seriously... who the fuck wakes someone up to tell them something finished downloading at FIVE in the morning?

and he some how expects to live to see his next birthday.

grumbles

gamer girl

2012-01-05T08:23:00.001-08:00

So, I've always been a gamer girl - when Jake met me, he hadn't played video games and the first thing I did was try to corrupt him and get him hooked on world of warcraft - hoping that the introduction would lead to interest in other games...

He's never been a big counterstrike fan and i've given up the hope that he'll ever be super great at first person shooters, or have the interest to play them with me all the time.

It's probably a good thing, he keeps me balanced so games don't consume my life like they did pre-kiddo days. LOL

We just got star wars, and he seems... semi interested in it... enough that he bought himself an account and ordered me to level up his toon to were mine's at so he can play with me. LOL

I like being social - but now that we live in the middle of no where and all my friends are back in seattle - it's a good way to get some non-creepy social outlets met, and not have to worry about trying to get to know my neighbors just to talk to an adult.

I appreciate fetlife, and video games, and instant messengers. They give me a way to talk to an adult, and help pass the day faster inbetween cooking and cleaning and make it so I can reward myself throughout the day...

If I clean X - I can spend X amount of time on my game! LOL It works pretty well for self-motivation that way. Jake doesn't really care about the house being as clean as I do - so sometimes I need to find personal motivation to do things when I'd rather be lazy. LOL It's probably not the best system, but it works okay for me.

I'm more of a home body and Jake's more of an outdoor-active kind of a person. we are both on the extreme end of each - so together, we tend to balance each other out quite a bit.

He gets me out of the house, and I get him to slow down a little. LOL

dumb opinions on life secrets

2012-01-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

I think a lot of people get so caught up on fetish stuff, and fantasy land, that they focus on their next spanking and fix, rather than where they want the relationship to actually end up in 5 years.

Communication falls to the wayside, they forget that there's more to life then sex, and the first time some big issue comes up, they have no clue how to deal with it, they are frustrated because there's not enough play, or sex, or spankings, and the foundation that relied on that "play" can't hold up... so the relationship has drama and often ends with a nasty break up and bitter unhappy people.

Well, the reality is, sometimes play doesn't get to happen, sometimes sex doesn't get to happen the way you picture it in fantasies. (you know, like sometimes, sex is just sex if you want to have sex, and doesn't have all this elaborate, planned out play involved.)

Sometimes - when you are focusing on the future, and working towards long-term changes and goals, the immediate weekend stuff, rituals, play, and things that matter to you, have to be put on hold while you deal with it.

People get sick, Jobs interfere, sometimes you get pregnant or have babies and that puts things on hold for various reasons... (you know, like bedrest, a high risk pregnancy. etc.)

Moving, new career changes, sometimes people are in the military and don't get to see their spouse on a daily basis, sometimes people have jobs where they have to travel for periods of time....

As nice as some of the fantasy stuff is - reality has a funny way of bitch slapping you upside the head.

And it's how you roll with the punches that determines if the relationship will fail, or succeed.... and how well you can balance your "kinks" into your life, but not prioritize them more than the whole relationship.

Sex, kink, play, spankings, is great, and I can't wait until Jake can reincorporate some of this stuff into our life now that we have a real home again and privacy and quiet time again.

But - we wouldn't have gotten to "this" point if one of us had given up on the relationship due to lack of sex, or play - or let things interfere with our long term goals instead of buckling down and working together to make the long-term goals be achieved.

Relationships are a lot of hard work, and are absolutely worth it.

Sometimes, I think people prize their orgasms and vagina more than they do the person they are in the relationship with though....

what I want... LOL

2012-01-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

lets see... i'd get a vibrating princess pillow that gives me multiple orgasms when I sit on it.

Oh... right the mess... maybe not such a good idea, since I hate cleaning and that would just add more stuff to clean...

Uhm... how about Jake spanks me on a daily basis ALL the time.... just because and hits me with paddles and whips me and uhm all that other fantasy shit?

Oh... right because push ups make me barely be able to move, so adding in all that other stuff would probably kill me.... but it's the fantasy that counts... right?

Uhm... how about I get pregnant from anal sex?

oh, wrong hole... oopsie.

How about Jake learns not to leave his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor?

Oh wait, that's why he has a slave.... LOL

You know, honestly, reality isn't such a bad thing. I'd really kill for a little more sleep, a little more play, and a little more sexy-orgasm time, but life's not so bad.

I'm still unsure if sleep at this point in my life is more important to me than sex, they are a pretty close tie these days. :P

I think it's a sign i'm getting old. LOL

2012

2012-01-01T05:34:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I'm supposedly supposed to write something about it being new years and knowing Jake for 6 years and being married almost 6 years but I don't know exactly what to say.

We've both put a lot of work into our relationship and our life together. Jake's happy. He has a job that he actually enjoys even if i'm having a hard time trying to re-learn how to deal with myself all over again with a completely new life, routine, situation, no friends, no family... I'm managing.

We have a stable family environment. We have love, and laughter and sex. (believe it or not, we still have sex. haha)

We are very close to having the things we talked about 6 years ago. Goats, horses, a Mastiff, chickens, and finally have property that Jake actually loves. It's dry here, so it's not constantly muddy and a wet-cold... wet cold is way worse than dry cold... it can be 2x as warm temp wise and feel 10x colder.

We back to open range that means if we had horses, we'd have miles and miles to ride them with out dealing with cars or other people... just by walking out our front gate - I think maybe a donkey or a mule would be nice. or a Mustang. :P something that isn't super high maintenance compared to a thoroughbred if we get horses again.

Jake going on a night shift means he'll be here during the daytime - even if he naps a good majority of it, he'll still have more time to spend WITH me and have day light to get things done before going to work.

I am looking forward to what 2012 brings. I look forward to trying to get knocked up again for baby #3 (even though we'd been kind of trying, were pulling out the big guns and trying fertility drugs again.)

I'm looking forward to having a more ritualistic life again with more active emma-attention - I put the work in, now I'll finally get to see some of the pay off from all my hard work and Jake-detication. (those are real words, really. I didn't just make it up. ...... okay maybe I did....)

^.^

Happy New Years!!!! :)

2011-12-31T21:22:00.001-08:00

Happy new years!!!!

I don't normally do resolutions - but this year I have a few things I'm going to work on.

1. I am going to work on staying in shape - and being active - and try to go for a walk a few times a week.... I have property here, I should use it. LOL

2. I am going to work on photography and my writing.... and keep up with making my dumb videos. LOL

3. I'm going to have lots and lots of sex with Jake since were using fertility drugs again. I took my first dose of progesterone to induce a period.... I'm going to go through the infertility journey again and THIS year, I will be realistic, but talk about my feelings openly and honestly this time around so that I don't get depressed.

4. I will hug Jake a little more often of my own free will. - Okay, this one might still be up for debate - Biting him is far more tempting.

5. I will try to tell Jake I love him more often too so.. like 50x a day instead of 10..... ^.^

blah

2011-12-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm officially retired from wow these days - but I'm thinking of trying star wars.... decisions decisions... LOL

sleep sex

2011-12-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

I just kissed you goodbye. I can't wait to get home and see you.

Waking up to that comment about did me in. I miss him and he has worked so much overtime lately, that he's had to have sex with me while I'm asleep - then tell me the next morning - btw we had sex last night, you were just too tired to wake up for it.

Sleep absolutely effects a sex life - if you aren't awake when your partner gets home from work - well in our relationship/dynamic Jake can just have sex with me anyways. I don't always remember having sex and it's kind of odd to have to ask him "hey did we X last night?" LOL

a half-asleep sex life isn't the best way to have a sex life - but at least it gets me through the day knowing he cares enough to be intimate with me, even when I'm tired and when he's exhausted too.

I actually find it kind of hot that he does that. I dunno why, I guess i'm slightly perverted. :P

LOL

Jake's decided I can't keep putting off the fertility stuff and he wants me to try it - and said we'll find a doctor after april or whatever if they fail to work at all.

So - I guess tonight, i start progesterone for 10 days to induce a period. LOL

We are almost completely caught up on finances too - just a couple more medical bills to pay off - which will be paid off by the time we get our taxes back from this year, and we won't have any other incoming bills.... and with out paying for water or sewer here, we just pay groceries, electricity... internet, my cell phone... gas (which doesn't cost much since we don't drive much now compared to the 2000+ a month in gas he used to spend for his job)

And, then paying off the house. Which we have the money saved up for - and can pretty comfortably afford the monthly payment.

Jake used to make a lot of money, 3-5x what he's making now and we've never been this debt free before... It's amazing how little you actually need to be comfortable when you are debt free. LOL

a gift... is there a return option?

2011-12-30T17:30:00.001-08:00

So, minor vent/rant incoming, this is just my personal belief and this is how it works in my head and my head only.

I do not believe this is a gift, I do not believe that two people are the same, I do not think you can COMPARE them.

I think people rage on and on about consent, but there's a lot of shit in my life, that I didn't consent too - that I follow anyways.

I didn't consent to speed limits, but I follow them because it's the law - I think of my relationship a lot like that.

I don't necessarily consent to shit - but I follow the rules because it's the rules - and there's consequences for breaking them.

I am not submissive, I do not consider myself a submissive personality, and god know si'm not a gift, if anything, I'm more like that really expensive car that requires a lot of maintenance.... gift? hahahaha. wanted, desired, loved, cherished, and lots and lots of work put into it to keep it running properly.

Not much of a gift.

More like a burden that he doesn't mind, and see's the benefits out weigh the cons of owning it.

Or a better example.

I'm that big, mean tough bulldog or rottweiler that would bite the hand that feeds it, but he's just tougher and meaner than me and keeps me on a tight leash with a pinch collar to make me heel.

I don't always like it but I do it - it's usually worth a dog biscuit.

Gift? HA. if it's the kind of gift that would pee on your shoes... then sure.

abbie - Happy new years!

2011-12-30T07:32:00.000-08:00

The cats get in on the cuddling action too.

Abbie snuck off our bed to cuddle with paddy.

Paddy always cuddles with abbies stuffed dog since she likes to lay on it and it encourages her to come snuggle with him.

Ignore the clothes - Paddy knocked over the laundry bin and made himself a nest under his dog bed, either that or was playing hide and seek.

100+ lbs at 15 months old and still growing. He's filling out nicely.

Abbie's new kitchen - She really loves it.

My baby doesn't look super "baby-ish" these days, she's starting to look like a toddler.

Even her older brother gets in on the role play kitchen action.

shifting

2011-12-30T05:44:00.001-08:00

So, this is going to contain a couple different topics into one, because I'm feeling lazy and don't feel like writing two separate blogs for similar topics.

Jake might (okay, kind of most likely maybe) will end up being put on a night shift. they are 12ish hour shifts and he'd get told to stay for overtime a lot. (or get called in early)

It's okay. I can handle it I guess. Actually having him around during the daytime will be a nice change, the sleep schedule thing will be interesting, he's not a very good day-time sleeper.. and he's a very light sleeper....

So we'd have to figure something out to get me sleeping in lateeeee in the morning with him so he could get some sleep.

There's advantages to him sleeping during a good chunk of the morning and then being around during the daytime....

He'd be able to sit with our son in the mornings and give him undivided attention (where as i'd be able to do it in the evenings when he's at work.) which I think may work better for our son too....

We'd also have more privacy when he's at school for.. naughtier activities and maybe have the energy to do more things together. As it is, I fall asleep during sex because I'm so tired and the baby is not a very good go to sleeper, she naturally wants to be a night owl and hates that we try to have her in bed by 9pm each night.

Once she's asleep she's a great sleeper. but she's a grumpy go-to-sleeper and a grumpy waker-upper.... She's an ecstatically happy baby 99.99% of the time... just not when it comes to going to sleep, or waking up.

I think she takes after me and is a bit grumpy. LOL

Anyways - the other part of this is : most of my friends I miss talking to the most work.

I don't.

If my sleep schedule shifted, I'd probably actually have more people to talk too since I wouldn't be going to bed when most of them are getting off work and have time to chit-chat... staying up later gives me more people to talk too and socialize with.

And, more people tend to "chat" at night than during the daytime - I think being a bit more of a night owl might actually help fix some of my "chat" needs by giving me the ability to actually have people to talk too... and not having to go afk every 30 seconds because my son's bouncing off the walls. ^.^ (he'd be in bed LOL)

It would be a hard adjustment - but I can see a lot of benefits if Jake got on a night shift.

The thing i'm struggling with the most since our move is feeling lonely. now that I don't have anyone to talk too here, in person a lot of the times, I find myself feeling kind of depressed because the people I miss from back home are super busy and don't always have time sit and have an hour long conversation with me.

Or, if they do... well I can't always make it work due to my kids! LOL blah.

I need to find a way to get some of my conversational needs met, that isn't buying a second car and going to the grocery store and talking to the clerk for 20 minutes. LOL (pathetic huh?)

With Jake home during the daytime, I wouldn't be totally afraid to socialize and get to know some of the neighbors.... maybe. kinda. We'll see, that doesn't really sound like fun to me - I'm just not "that" person....

But a girl will do what a girl has to do. LOL

emotional neglect and reality

2011-12-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

So, Jake was doing a "job search" thing that took about 2 years to get into a new career.

I spent the majority of those two years emotionally neglected in a lot of ways - sure, we had sex, we slept, but the stuff that really made me happy in life fell to the wayside while he focused on getting into a new career.

It took about 2 years... and we are just now getting back to some of the things in life that make us happy.

I still don't have the structure, rituals, routines, kinky-sex-like-stuff that keeps me the "happiest" emma I can be - but we are slowly getting there and finding our way back to some of that stuff.

I guess I kind of figured it was one of those things where he had to take priority for a while, and his job search took priority for a couple of years because it would have a long-term pay off that would be better for everyone involved...

So.. I sucked it up.

I whined a lot... and I pouted a lot, and I tried to just deal with it.

He knew how I felt, but he gets tunnel vision when he focus's on a new project like this and there just wasn't enough attention to go around for me to be included in some of that stuff.

I worked my ass off for him to make his dreams come to fruition and make it go as smoothly as possible in a big, life altering situation.... and we are finally getting to a point again where we might be able to get "our" life back again the way we need.

Jake's VERY laid back, and if I wasn't as pushy as I am - I could cease to exist to him sometimes - he can get distracted easily and linear focus's on whatever is infront of him - I couldn't be that focus when he was trying to get a new job... so I had to wait patiently.

Now that life will settle into a normal schedule and routine again and he doesn't have to spend hours filling out paperwork and job applications and doing interviews while working full time - he can make time for "us" to be a priority again.

It's not easy... it was REALLY hard the last couple of years feeling emotionally neglected, not being able to play, not having him spank me or do anything that made our relationship "feel" like it did to me.

we had a good relationship - it just was very quiet... and that kind of quiet depresses me. LOL I like when life is a bit of a challenge, and he's in my face all the time and he's pushing me around and making demands of me.

It was very hard on me to just have to quietly do what he needed me to get done, keep my mouth shut and just make his life easier and not be so demanding that I made it impossible to get his other stuff done.

I coped. I adapted, I was able to stay busy with the kids - but now, I have too much free time on my hands again. no friends since we moved to the middle of no where - I'm ready to go back to the core of our relationship again and have stuff to keep me busy again in a more structured, demanding fashion.

fertility

2011-12-29T08:21:00.001-08:00

So, everyone knows I breastfeed and I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate. My desire for another baby semi-conflicts with my belief on extended nursing.

Abbie still nurses around the clock at 1 years old, and that's totally normal for this age, despite popular belief that babies magically wean on their birthday... a 1 year old baby is still a baby and while abbie eats solids, drinks water, she still nurses for the majority of her nutrition at this point - it will slowly slide over into solids being her main food, but were not trying to push/rush her.

She's small and breastmilk has more calories per oz then food does. She gets more calories nursing so i'm comfortable letting her nurse for nutrition as long as she needs - having had a toddler force-weaned at 26 months before and him refusing to eat solids for a year and landing on pediasure (the kid version of ensure) to get enough calories into him was a situation I don't want to repeat with abbie.

This time, I'm trusting my gut instead of "common recommendations" that aren't always the best advice.

Okay, breastfeeding was totally NOT the topic of this blog... this blog was supposed to be about infertility treatments.

Warning the following blog is a babble and probably talks in circles - but hey, I'm getting there, writing this out and being honest with myself is harder than you'd think!!! :

I got approved to take femera while nursing abbie after discussing clomid and femera options, and not wanting to wean to get pregnant - or go through fertility treatments.

The main issue is abbie nursing around the clock like she does still - makes it less likely to be successful - so i've made the (for me, a very hard decision) to wait to try to get pregnant until abbie is a little older and a little less interested in nursing around the clock.

I was hoping after new years to start a 3 cycle program to try and get pregnant - after that, Jake said we could save the youtube money for IVF or other infertility treatments - but those abbie would have to be completely weaned for. The drugs that they use for IVF and injectables just aren't safe while nursing.

We want a big family. Jake's going to be 40 and I'm nearing my 30's.... if I can have 1-2 more kids, I'll feel blessed at this point, I don't see myself having the 5-10 I always wanted, but I see it being possible to have 1-2 more. ^.^

Part of me is struggling with depression when it comes to talking about this kind of stuff. It's a sad topic for me, and the memories of how I felt struggling for FIVE years to get pregnant with abbie scare me.

It's the only time in my life I truly felt suicidally depressed and completely broken as a person... and I am trying to be honest about my feelings this time around, and actually face them and cope with them, so if it indeed takes another 5-7 years to get pregnant with baby #3 - I can survive it emotionally.

Jake being so supportive really helps. I am very grateful that he talks about different IVF options, different fertility treatments, and he's willing to keep trying to have a couple more kids with me.

I am very blessed - I have 2 beautiful healthy (okay, slightly crazy) kids - a wonderful partner/Master in life who's someone I can respect and trust - (and maybe fear a little teehee winks )

Jake thinks the femera has a good chance to work - I'm just too scared to take it and feel like a failure all over again. I only have enough for 3 cycles and my cycles are wonky (no surprise, they always are, whether I'm nursing or not.) and my fear is holding me back from trying right now.

I have all the stuff, the progesterone to induce a bleeding cycle, the drugs to induce ovulation, and progesterone to maintain the first trimester if I conceive - and yet, I keep putting it off.

I've been coming up with excuses why I should put it off for a while instead of doing the "plan" that we discussed.

Failure is something that is a very bitter and depressing taste and I can't spit it out when it happens....

It might work, it might not work... but I just need to be brave and give it a shot and not let my fear of failure stop me.... but then I logically talk myself out of it too saying "but abbie's nursing so much, if we just wait a bit longer, maybe it will have a better chance to work if...."

And, then begins the excuses on why we should wait that seem logical enough that Jake agree's with me - even though the logic isn't what's holding me back from trying. ^.^

I guess knowing we have a back up plan and the money to do IVF and other stuff, help make me feel less afraid to try again.

But years of failure before finally achieving a goal - that struggle was so hard. Emotionally, financially, and I can see myself avoiding the things that stress me out in regards to it...

I really just need to grab the bull by the horns and stop being such a pussy. LOL

breastfeeding common sense.

2011-12-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

This is me nursing abbie in a way that wasn't "trying" to hide anything.

At home, I am usually a lot more "free" than I am in public.

I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate, I think women should usually at least *try* to nurse their offspring if possible - it's usually what's best for the baby, though, there are rare exceptions to every rule and I don't blame women for not being able to nurse.

But, this isn't a "breast is best" post, this is a WTF are women thinking when they nurse in public in ways that draw unwanted attention?

Bright obviously noticeable nursing covers that scream "I'm feeding a baby under this" - Taking their shirts half-way off in public so their entire chest is exposed.

I think nursing is natural. 100%.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to nurse in public AND I think it's perfectly acceptable to nurse when and where-ever the baby needs or wants to eat.

My issue? Don't whine if you nurse in a way that gets unwanted attention. Not everyone is pro-breastfeeding.... Is it right? No.

But, that doesn't mean you can't try not to make a scene. Sitting in the middle of an isle in the middle of a store and popping out a tit where you could get tripped over in my opinion counts as nursing inappropriately.

Not because you fed your baby. Not because you fed your baby in a store, but because if a mom who's formula feeding plopped down in the middle of an isle to feed her baby on the floor like that, I'd think the same thing.

"tripping hazard."

Common sense people... If you don't want someone to make a big deal or pick a fight with you about when, and where you are nursing... try to pick an appropriate place to do it, like standing up. or a bench.

If you are going to strip half-naked in a store, don't be surprised if someone says something to you.

If you are going to use bright colored nursing covers - then don't be surprised people stare - they are bright colored and attention grabbing. LOL

I realize that it can take a while to get nursing down and that sometimes baby unlatch and occasionally will flash someone - no big deal.

If you don't freak out, most other people won't either. If it's obvious you are just feeding your baby and not trying to grab attention - most people won't notice you...

I've nursed at least 500 times in public and the *only* time I had a comment is when my son yanked my bikini top open and I flashed some old lady.... and it was totally my fault.

String bikini tops are bad to wear with nursing babies who can open them or untie them lesson learned. LOL

The only time I notice women nursing in public is when they use super bright nursing covers and I always wonder why they use them because they get a lot more attention then a moby wrap, or infantino wrap would - or just a regular blanket, or NO cover !!! ;o

Being a little "more" careful while nursing abbie - and nothing shows. Unless someone was going out of their way to stick their face in my chest to look - (normally my arms are both holding her so the side view wouldn't even exist) no one would even be able to tell most of the time.

"Kept Woman"

2011-12-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

So, Jake has never "needed" me to have an income. I struggled with the idea that I wasn't helping out financially, and over the years i've griped that I'd like to help out in other ways because it makes me feel like a burden sometimes.

I eventually found something that brings in a little bit of an income so I can contribute to the grocery bills, or whatever else and kind of helps out/makes a difference.

(now that our house payment is under 800 a month and in 3 years we won't have a house payment since were paying the house off in chunks...) that "income" will be almost enough to cover our monthly expenses.... which is weird to me to almost be financially independent with income like that - and at the rate i'm supposedly going (if it's accurate and will continue to go up) I'll eventually cover our entire house payment each month.

It's not " a lot" but seriously, I used to live on average of 400 a month. It wasn't easy but I survived.... barely. LOL

Having an income that's more than that per month changes things in my head quite a bit. It's interesting to me that the idea of having an out option, and my own access to the finances doesn't make me feel more secure in life - it makes me feel less secure in life because if I ever got a stick up my ass, I have the ability to give up on my relationship with Jake and survive with out his or anyone else's help...

I KNOW I can take care of myself, I don't need to "prove" it anymore... I did it plenty growing up and before I met Jake...

I'm not the kind of person who likes having those resources available to her. While I don't ever think I'd be dumb enough to screw up my relationship with Jake - there has been times in our relationship where it was stressful enough that if I didn't HAVE to push through it, giving up might have been easier.

I don't like that mentality... to me, it sets me up to fail and I don't like failing. ^.^

I know that if Jake thought for a minute my earning an income of any sort truly posed a threat to our life in any fashion, he'd nip it in the butt and have me stop if it was going to do more harm than good.

I have very conflicted feelings on earning any kind of income because on one side, I'm contributing to our family in a way that eases some of his stress in small ways. (even if it's just "fun" spending money or whatever else, or money we save for emergencies, whatever.)

I like feeling like I contribute something that we can see on paper, not just cleaning and cooking and raising our kids. Those things have long-term rewards, but people don't value them the way Jake and I do, and it's embarrassing sometimes when people look down on you for "just" being a stay at home "whatever"....

I dunno, Jake wanted me to write this, and it's hard to express how I feel.

On one hand, I like feeling like I do something that has a paper trail and can be appreciated for what it can do/provide/offer outside of a clean house.

Then, on the other hand, I feel like having my own resources and financial money trail and supplemental income - I feel almost like I don't trust him to take care of us, or that I have a safety net if anything ever happens to him and then that leads me down a path of unhealthy thinking.

I can appreciate that this blog is a good one to write because it gives me the ability to start sorting through some of these thoughts and working my head on straight about the entire concept.

Changing jobs, and having our finances change is always going to be a button that is hard on me. I grew up poor, I grew up where I didn't always have food on the table. I grew up earning everything i've ever been given, or wanted....

Jake made me feel like a "kept" women in a lot of ways and it was one of those things that appealed to my "control" sense, and the challenge of learning to accept that concept was one I still struggle with.... even though the challenge of learning to be okay with that appeals to me.

I'm a complicated creature. LOL

Gamer Girls.

2011-12-26T13:26:00.001-08:00

ewwwwwww

2011-12-26T12:10:00.001-08:00

I got out of the shower and was trying to brush my hair - her brother was standing right there while abbie was sitting on a towel warming up after taking a shower with me.

Did he say ANYTHING? No. he just watched her poop on the floor and eat it with out telling me. she was 3 feet from me... She's never done that before and her brother thought it was funny until I told him to grab me the paper towels and help me clean it up since he chose not to mention the fact that she was POOPING... let alone *eating* it.

Then he gagged and refused to help clean it up. ^.^ Funny how it's funny to him until he has to grab the paper towels and put them over the mess while I try to wash abbie off in the sink and santize her and clean out her mouth.

Seriously... boys. ugh.

And seriously, babies and poop.. ugh

Merry christmas Jake!

2011-12-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

Jake had to work over christmas weekend, so we celebrated it christmas eve - and we'll open santa presents this evening.... Jake's always worked his ass off and never had a vacation until we moved here and he got this job.

suddenly, he has a couple days off in a row that actually ARE days off - where he's relaxed, and home and isn't worried about emergencies coming up that he has to leave at 2am for.

He actually gets to spend more time with us than ever before. I appreciate that - and appreciate that this time around, he won't miss all the toddler/baby stuff because he'll actually be home to see a lot of it.

Christmas was different this year - no extended family, no formal family gatherings or dinners... It was just us together eating my cooking. LOL

I'm sick today, and feel like I got hit by a truck. I don't know why I always get sick at the holidays, but I feel awful. LOL

I think this entire situation will work out for us in the long run. I think this piece of property we are buying will suit us well - though I do wish the house was bigger. LOL but we can fix that in time. we can either build a new house, buy a new manufactured home to stick on the property, or build onto the existing one.

There's plenty of options - keeping myself reminded of options like that, help me adjust. Knowing there's future projects and we won't be stuck in a house or situation that would be not-functional after a while....

This house works for the family size we currently have. It won't if we add another few animals/kids.... This is the tiniest house i've ever lived in, and I am making it work. I am keeping myself busy, keeping it clean, and staying focused on helping Jake adjust to his new career.

I know that we'll work on having more babies eventually, getting a mastiff puppy, figuring things out in the next couple of years. Patience is by far NOT my strong suit - but Jake and our "dream" life is worth the wait... and struggle. LOL

I waited 5 years to get pregnant with abbie - what's a couple more years in the whole scheme of things to have everything "perfect" you know? LOL

I guess, I just want Jake to know, that I'm always in this for the "long haul" even when it's stressful, difficult, not ideal, and that the hope for the future, and knowing that he's capable of keeping his promises, even if the time frame isn't always "ideal" gives me what I need in life to keep plugging along for him, with him... and because he's worth it to me.

photography

2011-12-24T07:36:00.001-08:00

Write me something about how taking pictures helps for us. I look at your pictures at least a couple times a day. I look through all the old ones and remember taking them as well as whatever we took recently. I even like looking through the ones you take when I am gone.

Looking at the pictures is a nice reminder when I am up before you and getting ready for work. I like taking them and I like having them available to look at.. they mean a lot to me.

So, I woke up to the above statement from Jake in an email - this is the blog I'm supposed to be writing.

So, here it goes!

I got nothing yet, but give me a few minutes to let the coffee catch up to my brain and I might be able to say something semi-coherent and sappy.... maybe.

I like the way you make me feel when we take pictures, I see myself through your eyes, and it often makes me feel pretty and that you notice me.

I'm easily embarrassed, and taking pictures makes me feel awkward and embarrassed and it fulfills my "thrill seeking" behaviors to keep me well behaved and not attention seeking in an unhealthy fashion.

I haven't totally learned to accept "me" the way the camera sees me sometimes though - I think my nose is too big and I get embarrassed by how exaggerated my stretch marks from having kids looks in some of the pictures.

I know i'm not perfect, and the older I get, the more accepting I'm getting about some of that stuff, I appreciate that you love me, flaws and all. (for reference, read the ring chucking post to see how imperfect I really am.)

I enjoy working on the photos - it gives me something productive to do that has an outcome, it's almost therapeutic for me in some ways. It's tedious, mindless work that has an end result that makes me feel like I accomplished something - and it's far more instant gratification than writing an entire book is. LOL

I enjoy surprising you with dumb photos, because I take them with you in mind. I take them for you, I edit them these days with your idea of beauty in mind instead of my own... I even let some of my blemishes show and don't edit them out (okay, so most people wont notice, but I notice every tiny little freckle. hahaha) because you've urged me to accept myself the way I am and the way you see me, and not what shows up.

It's funny though, how in the mirror I don't see every little freckle, but I do when I magnify the picture x500 and the blemish takes up my entire screen. ^.^

Okay, moving on. Pictures inspire me to take good care of myself for you, because I want to keep looking semi-good for you as I age. I know I'll age, hey, I noticed gray hairs on my head the other day and I kept myself from asking you if I could redye my hair. ^.^

that's progress right? LOL

(btw, can I redye my hair?)

I love you, I love the way you make me look in pictures most of the time, I love the way you capture artistic poses and lightening in a way that catches the eye. I love that it's not "sexual" most of the time and is truly an art for us.

It's something that "we" do together - it's something that we create together and the chemistry we have (in my opinion) shows in our work.

I often look at our pictures when you aren't here and remember how you made me feel, naked, vulnerable, exposed to you, wanting to make you happy, awkward, hating you for telling me not to stand a certain way because it makes me look fat, or my boobs smaller... so many emotions all at once. (God, Am I emotional or what? hahaha)

I feel kind of like i'm on a private stage, just for you when we do our pictures. Sure, we share them later, but in the heat of the moment, it's just us, and we create something magical....

Okay, that's all I got on 1 1/2 cups of coffee... hope that's sappy enough. :P

chucking things at JAke's head.

2011-12-24T07:10:00.001-08:00

Well, this isn't the blog Jake assigned today - he assigned one about pictures, and i'll do that one next, but first, I wanted to write on this topic because I can show how naughty I really am.

I'm the most un-uber slave in the entire world. There I admit it.

So, when I have my hissy fits, the first thing that ends up happening is off comes my rings to be thrown at Jake's head.

It just feels so damn satisfying to chuck something at his head that I can't help it.

Is he offended by it? Well, we've been together almost 6 years now and he hasn't completely forbidden me from doing it. But the jury is still out on that one, I'll let you know if I'm capable of keeping my rings on my hands if he ever flat out forbids me from throwing them.

It's small, it's light, it's easy to throw, it won't break anything, it won't injure Jake and it just feels so damn good sometimes to throw something at him that I can't help it.

Yes. It makes me a bad slave, but I'm okay with that.

It does however turn into some really good wrestling matches, shocked expressions as we both interact naturally in that situation and sometimes it ends up happening when he doesn't expect it too...

Normally I'm cussing him out and stomping my feet like a 2 year old... and whining that I want to go home and I hate him.....

And, in that moment I do hate him. I want to hurt him and throw something at him and scream at him and stomp my feet like a toddler. ^.^

And the bastard laughs at me and asks me to elaborate just how much I hate him and tells me to be more graphic.

REALLY... REALLY.... and people wonder how I get myself into situations to throw rings at his head... he goads me. he eggs it on, he basically asks for it by poking me with a proverbial stick to see if I'll bite. ^.^

I don't know why he enjoys provoking me.

It CAN lead to some amazing wrestling. it CAN lead to some amazing sex, but often times, it just leads to me crying and him laughing and then eventually holding me all night long while we sleep when I'm done with my tantrum.

I get stressed out. I'm easy to push, I know he can read me like a book and I know he enjoys pushing my buttons for his amusement.

right now - I'm having a hard time adjusting to a new environment that requires ZERO contact with him now that he has a new job.

I admit I'm having a hard time adjusting to that and it has resulted in the rings being thrown at his head about 3-4 times in the last 2 months because of it.

Leaving him is not something that ever actually crosses my mind as a possibility, but whining, complaining and chucking rings at his head? Oh yeah, totally.

The feeling I get of satisfaction of the momentary look of shock on his face as the ring pings off his forehead - I can't even describe it. It just plain makes me feel better... and I have to focus on continuing my tirade on purpose at that point to keep from laughing. ^.^

Yeah, I should stop this blog while i'm ahead and go write the blog he wanted me to write.

The end.

anal sex

2011-12-23T08:44:00.001-08:00

Okay, where to start. I like anal sex. Jake on the other hand is WAY TO BIG for anal sex. It HURTS. It's not just a "omg this is so gross" thing... it kind of is... but really, you JUST HURT. You are TOO big for anal sex.

And even with a shot of vodka to help EVERYTHING relax... you are STILL to big for anal sex. OW OW OW OW OW.

Yes, I like the intense way it makes me orgasm, it makes me cum very, very very fast, and I can have multiple orgasms during anal sex.

I'm a little grossed out by the germ factor - but, as you've said before over the years, that's what soap and water is for... it pains me to admit that I have to tell myself that during anal sex and sometimes the OCD ick factor wins out over the "okay, emma, there's soap" factor.

which is why I freak and beg you to go wash your hands or your dick after trying to touch me there.

Anal sex is one of those things that if you had a smaller penis would probably be my favorite activities with you, but since you are overly endowed in that area, a finger works better than your penis in that hole.

You. are. too. big. for anal sex comfortably.

It makes it hurt to sit down the next day, no amount of vodka, or relaxing, or lube makes it not hurt. I just usually grit through it because being the masochist I am, sometimes a little pain is okay.... but eventually, I can only handle so much.

If I orgasm during anal sex - if you don't cum quickly (as opposed to lasting a while during vaginal sex) it clamps down and starts to feel like i'm being ripped in half and any orgasm benefit I got from it goes away after a few minutes.

I haven't learned how to handle a gigantic cock in my ass and pretend to enjoy it yet - but you know, we got the rest of our life to practice. ^.^

wrestling

2011-12-22T10:27:00.001-08:00

Jake and I like to wrestle, the more emotional or stressed out I am, the more likely I am to ask him to wrestle with me, or start trying to pick a fight with him.

Jake's always been stronger than me - and I get a lot out of our wrestling matches because I never win. I can fight back, wrestle, and not hold anything back with him and not really worry about hurting him because he's so much bigger than me....

I get a lot out of being able to get some of that pent up energy out of my system, while at the same time be reminded that I always lose - and that he will always be bigger, and stronger than me.

I hate losing, but losing arouses me when he smirks and laughs at telling me how small I am compared to him. That smirk eggs me on and makes me want to fight back as hard as I can, even though I *know* it won't do me any good.

Being able to wrestle with him like that is good for me. It fulfills parts of me that I can't let out in any other area of my life, it lets me fight back until I'm not thinking anymore, it lets me fight any stress or pent up emotions out, it's good exercise, it usually leads to good sex.... and I function and sleep better after a good wrestling match.

One of the things I was always embarrassed me growing up, was i'd unintentionally get into situations that got me hurt, or were destructive because of needing to get that energy out - Jake allows me to get that need met in a non-destructive fashion.

Being self aware about it, allows me to be able to ask for it these days when the time is appropriate, and communicate when I'm getting tense, edgy, nervous, whatever else it is and he can work on giving me a release of some fashion to help that isn't going to cause problems in other areas of my life.

I like that I can poke and prod at him, and he finds it amusing rather than gets irritated with me. I'm grateful that we are so well balanced and well matched.

Scarishments!

2011-12-21T19:17:00.001-08:00

So, Jake told me to write a blog about how a "pretend" punishment dynamic would work in my head. He doesn't want a real punishment dynamic - but he thinks that a "funishment" one that seems "slightly real" would fulfill something in me and I guess I'm supposed to write something about it.

He doesn't think making it fun works, since I don't get anything out of it if it doesn't feel "real" so he mentioned a "scarishment" which had me laughing because I'm trying to picture how that would work/look like.

I'm not "bad" on purpose, and I don't screw up on purpose, but I like when I get a little uncomfortable, scared, and get pushed boundary wise.

I don't mind asking him to wrestle with me, or spank me during sex, or whatever else, but that doesn't fulfill the "need" for some of this stuff that we've talked about a ton over the years....

The problem is finding a way to make it work, realistically, and not have it cause problems, or be forgotten because I don't screw up in a way that would cause him to bust out the Master cap and go "bitch, you deserve a spanking!"

(I seriously can't picture him calling me a bitch or talking like that, but hey, that sounds kinda hot.)

I also can't just *lay down* and ask for a spanking... I try - but I can't take it with out fighting back and I often find myself going "fine, but you have to make me if you are going to do it!" because my natural reaction to that kind of authority is to fight back.

I wish I had a better way to describe what I think would work for us, when we know a punishment dynamic doesn't work, and a "funishment" one doesn't work unless it seems kind of "real" to us... so we have to figure out a way to incorporate a funishment situation, but make it scary and semi-realistic.

I don't have the words, or even the ability to visualize what it would look like - I get in concept and think it's a neat/great idea and would probably work out really well for us....

IF we can figure out how it would actually work on a daily, semi regular basis... and find a system that works.... I'd like to be able to paint this elaborate verbal picture but I got nothing. LOL

fear mongering... and bulldogs.

2011-12-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

I realize that not everyone likes dogs as much as I do - and some people even think having large dogs around kids is "dumb" and "dangerous" but the "OMG ALL DOGS WILL KILL KIDS" attitude about safe, well trained dogs just blows my mind.

Yes, I make a bully and kid series on youtube - partly to spread awareness of how bully breeds and kids CAN coexist safely, and with no issues. In my videos, there's also cats, vacuum cleaners and other "stressors" that a dog should be socialized with.

I don't get the hate towards dogs and kids together - small dogs in my opinion are a lot more likely to bite in general and a small dog can do a lot of damage too, and even kill a child if the child is small enough.

Big dogs aren't as likely to bite, aren't as likely to feel "threatened" by a child especially if properly trained and socialized.... unless they have something seriously wrong with them, have been abused, or improperly socialized/bred.

Yes, breeding CAN play a part in a dogs personality... and sometimes, there is such a thing as a "bad" dog due to chemicals in their brain being wired wrong. (hey, Just like people!!!)

only unlike dangerous people, we put the dogs down and usually don't put the people down. (though sometimes I wonder why we don't. LOL)

I don't understand the fear mongering people have when it comes to dogs or kids, especially specific "breeds".... ANY dog could bite. Any dog COULD do damage.... And, any breed if handled properly with the right training and socializing and a little respect for their personality can go a long way for having children and dogs coexist safely in a house hold together.

I teach my kids to respect my dogs, and I reward my dog for respecting my kids and for behaving the way I want.

I don't get why people fear monger because of a breed or letting a dog play with a child with proper supervision... a safe, stable dog is usually pretty predictable, and animals DO communicate before they lash out in most cases... you just have to be watching.

I sometimes wonder if the fear mongering has more to do with a distrust and dislike of dogs, or specific dog breeds in general and if it's because they aren't "Good" with dogs that brings about that mentality.

I also guess I find some "risks" worth the benefits of having dogs in my life and around my kids.

My kids could grow up and snap and kill me too, but it's not likely.

look back on the beginning

2011-12-19T11:37:00.001-08:00

When Jake and I first got married, I naturally did "stuff" for him that was subservient in a lot of ways.

I started struggling feeling under-appreciated and not totally okay with being bossed around - and started pushing back against his authority.

We ended up having him kind of step back and wait for me to figure it out - I used emails and we started talking, I started researching. I feel like a total freak because I needed and wanted a lifestyle that wasn't "normal".

I wanted to be owned, I wanted him to boss me around - but it didn't feel okay and since we hadn't "talked" it out previously, I was freaking out with in our dynamic and on a daily basis because all of my vanilla friends told me it was "wrong" to let a man boss me around and tell me what to do all the time and to be HAPPY about it.

So... we started talking. it took us a few weeks to work it out, and everytime our life has changed, we've had to basically "start over" from the ground up with figuring out new routine, structures, rules, the way life is going to work based on what our 'new' situation demands of each of us so that it can be functional and healthy for all involved.

It takes a lot of communication.... to ME the work is worth it... but Jake also fights hard for our relationship - there's a lot of times where I've done basically everything in our life to make his life easier while we figured stuff out, and times where he's done everything because of situations that required him to step in and do all the work.... It works out in the end and then we try to find the right balance again for both of us that work.

communication is the key to any successful relationship and a lot of hard work... If one partner isn't willing to put in the work, it won't work no matter how hard the other partner tries. You can't do it for "both" of you all the time... you know what I mean?

I would discuss one topic at a time with him... things like "I don't like having a bedtime, and if you want me to have a bedtime, it's not going to be easy for me." and it would inspire conversation about that until he knew my feelings enough on it and would slowly push it to get his way over time with out causing me to totally freak out about it.

I have authority problems. I don't like being told what to do, or being on someone else's schedule. It's very hard for me to surrender to someone else's control - but that's part of what appeals to me. I like the challenge of it.

Jake luckily sees what he needs inside of me and is patient enough to bring it out of me, even if it's not always pretty - he's willing to invest the time, work and energy into me to get what he needs/wants out of me... and i'm willing to try as hard as I can to be what he needs me to be, even when the person i'm fighting is "me" instead of him if that makes sense.

Figuring out routines, rituals, schedules, rules, etc can be hard, because life can interfere with normal schedules and you have to have room to adapt for variances... and when BIG life changes happen (like having a baby) you have to completely re-evaluate from the ground up to figure it out again.

It's worth it absolutely.

All I can say though is talk talk talk talk talk and talk some more. But talking only gets you so far. The other half has to want to put in energy, effort, and work to make a relationship successful.

Motivations and intent are often the key factor - not the actions themselves. Things aren't black and white.

In my relationship, I'm allowed to try and tell Jake he's slacking if he IS slacking - I.e. "hey, you've been so busy you haven't paid any attention to me lately... I need X from you..."

He's okay with my communicating with him - he doesn't consider it bad to be blunt with him about my wants and needs.

Another example :

He's not a mind reader, and he will ignore the litter box if I don't remind him it needs cleaned on a regular basis. It's very low on his list of priorities, while it's much higher on mine. So, he considers it pretty much a requirement that if I want it done - I have to remind him to do it - phrasing matters though.

I've learned to say "hey, Jake, can you make sure the litter box is done before bed, or first thing in the morning, you haven't done it since the day before yesterday and the cats are going to pee on the sides of the box if it's not done every day."

Then, I wait patiently and he always does it. It may not be "right that second" but he's good about following through if he says he'll do something.

I don't get angry, I don't bug him, I don't nag him, I just remind him to do it - per his request.

Figuring out how to "ask" or "remind" him of things was a big challenge on my part, I had to learn to phrase things in a non naggy, and non-bossy way, and I also had to learn to trust that he'd follow through once I reminded him and give him a chance to do it. (which was really hard for me.)

Personal growth comes from both sides... you know?

ramblings

2011-12-19T09:52:00.001-08:00

Since we moved here, i've taken on a lot of the day-to-day responsibilities out of necessity.

going grocery shopping because the store closes early, running errands because post office and other stores/businesses have small hours of open-ness in this area. (think 9-4pm) making it so Jake couldn't do them and besides the grocery store, most of them were closed on the weekends!

I took over a lot of his "busy work" that he liked to do when he wasn't working. He's off today and he said and I quote "it's so weird to not be working on a monday."

LOL - As the next few weeks happen, we'll be figuring out a routine, schedule and structure that works for all of us - including what Jake feels our family needs.

Now that he'll have at least 1 week day off, he can resume most of the "day-to-day" errands that he prefers to do (like going to the dump, grocery store, paying bills, etc.)

I've been doing most of the cooking here lately - and I admit that I hate it. it takes me hours to prepare and cook dinner and it's iffy on whether or not it's going to taste good..... I'll be glad to have Jake available occasionally and home on some days in order to let him cook - because his cooking is GOOD.

I've missed his cooking since we've moved here. I've done 99% of it - for 3 meals a day besides holiday related cooking and I'm maxed out on my cooking skills and there's no way to train to get to the next level.

(Gamer-geek reference if anyone caught that.)

Anyways... I love Jake, and I love being able to stay semi-busy enough that I don't "miss" friends and family so much.

I will get my desk soon hopefully and be able to setup a better writing environment. Now that our house guest isn't here anymore, I need to figure out where exactly my computer's are going.. (I'm thinking I might set everything up in the living room????! but I need to think about that one for a while.)

The bedroom has enough room for our 2 computers, but then i'm trapped in the bedroom all day and it kind of "separates" me from the family. I think I'd do better with it in the living room if I can find a way to set it up in a "safe" feeling environment so I can work on my writing part time.

Then, I need to figure out where our clothes are going to go. I don't have dressers and just having stuff in bins is driving my OCD CRAZY.... I think i'll need to get hangers and just try to hang up everything now that our 3rd bedroom closet is empty again. LOL

I'm glad things are finally getting slowed down a little. I don't like feeling like I'm working myself to the bone to the point where i'm too tired to take a bath, and can't stay awake long enough to read a book, or even have sex.

I need a more structured, balanced life, with rules, rituals, routines, and some down time to recover from all of it that's semi enforced.

If Jake doesn't make me take some "me" time occasionally... then i'll work myself to the point of being useless. ^.^

And recovering from that is a lot harder then just taking the occasional down time so I don't over-work myself. LOL

babbling

2011-12-18T18:58:00.001-08:00

Jake told me today that compared to the crazy people he's seen at work - that i'm officially "much less crazy" in his book now.

I think that's a good thing.... ;o I think. LOL

abbies eating a chocolate chip cookie on my bed, and trying to share it with the cat, the cat doesn't want it, but takes the obligatory sniff to pretend to be interested in what she's offering to appease her "polite toddler sharing" thing that she's got going on.

I don't have a lot to write about, i'm waiting for something cool or funny to come out, and I got nothing. It's just me sitting here going... .... .... .... nothing. nothing's coming out. LOL

I am glad to have my house back to myself. I'm glad that I can have sex in my kitchen now with out someone walking out on me - i'm glad I can wear what I want and not totally worry about if I'm properly covered so i don't offend someone else's sensibilities! ;o

Jake is happier than I have ever seen him and I appreciate that. I am glad I was able to help make this situation happen for him because seeing him this happy makes me happy.

and.. Santa, I still want a puppy.

it's almost over.

2011-12-16T08:06:00.001-08:00

I had a house guest for a couple of weeks.

He was part of Jakes new job training thing, and needed a place to stay so he could save up money to see his family. No biggie I thought, I don't mind making a little extra food for someone and that way he can see his toddler and wife which he only got to see once in the entire 6 week training course.

In the time that he was at my house, he ate the food that was separated out for me because of allergies, leaving me with none of my food - he left knives on the counter, and in the sink hidden under dishes in way where I cut myself doing dishes - he left knives on counters in ways that they fell off and flung food everywhere.

He left crumbs every where, and I had to clean up a nasty, nasty mess in the bathroom after he got sick because he didn't clean it up. (we all had the flu here, so I didn't expect him to clean up while sick - but once he was over it and still had a belly ache and it made a mess on the toilet, he didn't even bother to wipe it down and I had to do it because my son was complaining.)

He leaves in the morning. I am very glad that I was willing to do this for a stranger - I feel like I did the right thing to help someone else out and I don't feel the LEAST bit guilty about saying good bye and having my house back to myself.

I got up this morning to my cereal being all gone (we won't even mention how many times he drank all of our milk leaving me no milk to cook with, or for breakfasts) apparently he asked my 7 year old which cereal I ate, and believed him, so he ate all my cereal..... ^.^ My son told him I ate the chocolate cereal - which was not true.

He used my laptop with out my permission and I had to hide all my equipment and have been trapped in my bedroom to avoid him snooping.

I understand he lives with a wife who cuts his hair for him, makes all his lunches, cooks, cleans and caters to his every need, but i've been working my ass off for the last few weeks, and having someone make EXTRA work for me when this was supposed to be my "relaxation" time before christmas... made it so I haven't had a break either.

I think I realize that I am not cut out for extended guests who don't feel the need to be helpful when they are eating your food, and staying free of cost at your house.

I raged inside over these things and put on a smile and reminded myself it was almost over and he'd be leaving this weekend.

Waking up to my cereal being eaten was sort of the last straw, I think he could tell I was incredibly irritated when I stood there and he looked at me saying "your son said you ate the chocolate cereal"

I don't eat chocolate for breakfast. wtf. I'm sure the look on my face was one of confusion and irritation... I said "and that's why you don't listen to a 7 year old and next time you ask me."

Rude? maybe. I was trying not to be... but I'm so tired of cleaning up after other people and feeling like my privacy's been totally invaded and I can't say I'll miss him as a house guest.

Nice guy, but terrible house guest. His mother obviously failed to teach him basic house manners and his wife certainly didn't instill any in him.

He looked confused when he saw Jake helping me around the house... or doing "chores" that were wemmin (get your ass back in the kitchen woman!) work...

The list of "things" could go on and on, but i'm just venting because it's almost over, I did a good christmas charity thing and I can sleep at night after tomorrow knowing that it's over, and I did a good thing to help someone else and their family out.

I work my ass off for Jake and it makes me appreciate him 5000000x more than he will ever know just because he's respectful enough to put a dirty dish in the dishwasher, or even unload it occasionally, and that he'll usually help out around the house if my hands are full and something else needs done.

days off

2011-12-15T07:46:00.001-08:00

Jake's never had a vacation, or really a day off in the entire time i've known him (which is years!)

This new job of his, he's going to have to work on holidays sometimes, but he'll get chunks of days off - even if he chooses to work some overtime, he can still get 1-2 REAL days off per week where he's not on call... which will be a different and drastic lifestyle change for us.

The long hours I'm used too. The lack of contact while he's at work I'm still trying to figure out and get used too. He's taken to writing me a long email in the morning to read with the things he wants me to get done and a blog topic..... which helps a lot. It's the only "contact" I have from him all day until he gets home from work.... so I make it work.

I think i'm adjusting okay so far. I think I will really enjoy having our house to ourself, and the freetime and alone time to do what we wish together when he's not working.

Photography, gaming, walking the dogs, building the kids a playset... building a chicken coop - there's all sorts of opportunities here at this house that were never a possibility at any other home we've owned before... even just because Jake was *always* on call prior to this job.

I've been trying to cook more for Jake - and if I can order gluten-free items in bulk, it's not so bad for me to figure out a weekly meal planner thing - but trying to figure out what to cook everyday is a pain in the ass. with our food allergies/requirements, plus my food pickiness it can be a bit of a pain to come up with ideas last minute... not to mention I get sick of eating the same 4-5 meals.....

Once I have a better idea of his schedule and what it looks like, I think I'll be able to order some of the gluten-free items in bulk and will be able to create a bigger meal schedule if I continue cooking all the time. My food is simple. and as long as it's not too complicated, or requires a recipe, it's decent. I'm really good at "winging" it when it comes to making food... it's following recipes that gets me in trouble or if I have to do things in a perfect "timed" order. (over-cooking stuff, under cooking stuff... I just don't have the attention span for things that come down to the minute - and kitchen timers don't help I can tune them out! LOL)

Anyways... I'm really looking forward to spending christmas here... and even though our tree will be pretty sparse this year, we have family, and Jake's happy... and we seem to be adjusting okay and settling in.

It will be odd to have Jake home for 3 and 4 day chunks if he chooses not to take a ton of over-time. While I'd love to spend that much time with him occasionally, I think we both might go a little stir crazy out in the middle of no where... LOL

It had been nice having him home just on the weekends, and night shift is an option later in life for him so he could always be "home" during the day with me, even if he napped. LOL

I like that this job gives us opportunities and options that seem more realistic for family.

hahahaha

2011-12-14T09:24:00.001-08:00

a friend of mine said this to me :

you're such a good girl you dont need to be punished anyway

the first thing I asked her was "are you sure you know me???!" well... once I stopped laughing that is.

I do try hard for Jake, don't get me wrong, I work my ass off for him, and I try to be happy and smile and do things I think he will like - and ask if i'm not sure if he'll like them.

I try hard to let him lead - I try hard to let him make the decisions in most situations with out arguing or whining... (try being the key word here, I never said I succeeded.)

He's quiet, mellow and patient. I'm bossy, pushy, and loud. most people observing us wouldn't necessarily "Recognize" our power exchange dynamic if they weren't looking for it.

I've always identified more with the pushy teenage kid who's got the mentality of a stubborn rottweiler. I don't know when to quit, or when to let go, and when I get fixated on something... I really get stuck on it. LOL

I'm not always eager to please and there's a huge part of me that struggles back and forth with wanting to make HIM happy... and wanting to make ME happy. LOL usually they align, but if it becomes a toss up.... all bets are off. haha

Jake is usually pleased with me. he knows I try hard, and i'm generally not bad on purpose. I have a personality quirks I work hard on because they can interfere with him wanting things done his way.

If he wasn't patient and stubborn - we probably wouldn't have been a good match.

I have friends who tell me all about their adventures in life and their struggling to be obedient or whatever else, and all I can think sometimes is "damn, I sound really boring."

the most adventurous I get after a few years is balking at bedtime because I'm not tired yet and don't want to stop playing my video games, or reading my book and I whine about it.

- I still go to bed usually... but I do whine as I flop on the bed and pout that I wasn't tired and didn't want to go to bed and how mean he is for making me lay down before I wanted to lay down!!!! ;o

I think Jake's secret is brainwashing me - he lets me think I'm stubborn and do things my way, even when it's his way. LOL

I love my life - I like adventure, but not when I don't have any energy. lately i've just been way to tired from all the "stuff" we've had going on. I'm ready to hibernate for a while, save up all my energy and then see where we stand now that were in a new house, in a new situation, in a new place, and relearn each other all over again and figure out what our relationship needs "here" in this place.

It's beautiful here, serene, and peaceful. the internet is okay, it's not the best, but it's fast enough I can kinda play some video games (though it times me out occasionally.)

I'm very grateful to see Jake so happy. It makes all of this worth it for me.

pacifiers! hot topic!

2011-12-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

someone asked me to write this blog - so I'm just adding the disclaimer of :

"this is my personal view, and only applies to my life. Thanks!"

So, pacifiers. Apparently a very hot topic - and if I get hatemail for this Jen - you owe me big time.... haha.

I'm not anti-pacifier, and I think they have their place. in fact - they can be a useful tool in some situations, though I've never used them with my children and don't intend to start if I can help it.

There are some theories out there that if you bottlefeed - using pacifiers can reduce the risk of sids.... If you breastfed, and allow the baby to use YOU as the pacifier, the effect is the same... there are some theories that pacifier use while breastfeeding may reduce your milk supply, because the baby suckling will increase your milk supply, even if they are nursing for comfort instead of just food.

There's pro's and con's to using a pacifier... but I'm just going to explain why I choose not to use them and leave it at that.

1. I find pacifiers a pain in the ass - seriously, everytime it's dropped you'd have to wash it off before you can insert it into the baby's mouth - and lets not talk about the insertion of said pacifier into the animals mouth if you have pets. (my siblings did that a lot.)

2. Since I allow my kids to breastfeed past a year - and use ME as the pacifier, thumbsucking has never been an issue... if they get the urge to suck, i'm always available - and if not now that my kiddo is older, she has some teething toys that vibrate that she can chew on and isn't going to screw up her teeth because it's not shaped like a bottle or pacifier.

3. artificial nipples can teach bad nursing habits - not always, but it has been known to happen and I just don't want to deal with that issue - I don't want to be the mom that thinks it won't happen to her, and then has to deal with it. that would be just my luck. LOL

4. I would rather my children not get dependent on an "item" for comfort, and would rather they use people for comfort.... they have to grow up fast enough as it is, I'd like them to feel like they can rely on their parents to meet their needs with out having to use substitutes... (personal belief only)

5. I perfected the art of breastfeeding in the car. Seriously. I lean over the car seat while seatbelted into the back seat and learned how to insert a boob into her mouth. problem solved. LOL no pacifier needed! (not a realistic option for everyone, but it worked for me!~)

6. The idea that if you LOST a pacifier and had to spend lots of money on replacing the items, when the baby isn't likely to misplace mom or dad never made much sense to me.

7. I believe that the reduced risk of SIDS from suckling is to mimic breastfeeding. A pacifier was supposed to be the substitute of mom if needed... if it's not needed, or required, I didn't see the point of starting that habit if mom is available (and since we co sleep, she often sleeps with a boob in her mouth anyways - there's also enzymes in breastmilk that help reduce tooth decay too which most people didn't know!!!)

8. I didn't see the point of giving something that i'd just have to take away in a few months and could potentially cause dental problems if weaning a pacifier didn't happen easily....

I could write more on why pacifiers weren't a good fit for my family - but in reality, I can acknowledge their place for some people and in some situations.

A nicu situation where mom isnt always available, or baby can't be on the breast all the time for example.

A bottlefed infant... etc.

There are also situations where people give them that make logical sense to me - such as only in the car. or at nap times, etc - or when the baby was getting vaccinated at the doctors office, or other medical procedures... (though, i've been very lucky to be the one to do all that and be able to just use a boob instead of a pacifier in all of these situations.)

Over-all, I think pacifiers have a place in society, and for some families. They just at this point in my life, haven't had a place in our family.... though each child and each situation is different, so I'm not one to say "never an option" because there's always a new situation that could come up with a future child that is the most logical solution to a problem.... shrugs I'm open minded to that, and I can adapt - though I tend to not switch it up unless it's an absolute requirement. LOL

photography and gaming

2011-12-12T08:18:00.001-08:00

Jake wanted me to write about photography and my video games since those are my main two hobbies/loves in life besides him and our family. :P

Our new house has lots of room for photography, just the way the house is designed has longer walls, bigger areas to shoot from, and easier storage space to put lights and equipment away easily.

We have endless acreage and mountains and sunshine here - which means outdoor shots are a possibility in the coming months when it warms up.... and we have a gigantic garage that we can build a studio setup in too that will work well for elaborate setups and if we needed even MORE room to shoot/work in.

Jake is pleased with the way I'm looking these days - and has been telling me a lot that he likes the way our photos are turning out and how I look in them, and how I look around the house and he's been touching me a lot more.

I've worked hard to be healthy this last year - and to watch the kinds of foods i've eaten so I can stay in shape for him. I know that feeling sexy for him is my main motivator on passing up that extra piece of chocolate as hard as it is... I haven't figured out the solution to totally giving up everything that's bad for me.... but baby steps! eating healthy is a good start and trying to learn moderation... (says the woman who ate an entire pan of brownies and fudge over a week.... yep.. still need to work on those moderation skills i'm telling ya.) LOL

As to the video games - they fulfill something in me that relaxes me, they give me some social outlets where I can talk to people I have something in common with (games) and I really enjoy running around something that is familiar to me. I've been playing a variation of counterstrike since 1999... when life is stressful, or new things are happening, CS has stayed about the same over the years. sure the graphics got better, but the game play as a whole hasn't drastically changed as a concept - and familiarity sometimes helps reduce my stress levels.

It was very hard on me the last few weeks not having access to my games and having to muddle through with nothing that I used as a relaxation outlet. I appreciate my games for what they can offer me. It's a habit, with a routine and it's semi ritualistic for me.

I'm good at them - and it makes me feel good to do something i'm good at. LOL It's a pretty simple concept I guess.

And it's why I don't really like single-player games, or new games that have a totally different game play - I play CS because it's familiar... I play it because I know it, i'm good at it, I know the maps, the game play is something I can do on auto pilot so to speak even on the worst of days. It helps keep my sanity, and I work even harder just so I can have a minutes to relax and let go and shoot some people with a virtual AK. ^.^

because I own the game, the only requirement besides my computer is an internet connection. There's no monthly pay to play charges - which makes it a better choice than most MMO's like world of warcraft. (and is why i'm looking forward to diablo3 when it comes out. I like the originals.)

Gaming is a huge part of who I am. It always has been. I can obviously survive with out it - and have for long periods of time in my life - but my stress levels shoot through the roof and I find myself having a much harder time with out my stress relief.

It's kind of like being able to read a book and take a bubble bath, it's a similar concept, only it engages my brain a little more than reading a book does. (and provides a social outlet that reading a book doesn't alone in a tub.)

I don't know how to explain it - but I know that having the ability and access to play my games reduces my stress levels by a lot.

crazy hair

2011-12-11T14:47:00.001-08:00

control... sort of.

2011-12-09T10:05:00.001-08:00

Lets see – Jake wants me to write about a control based relationship and I will… in a minute. First I just want to say that I don’t know WHERE it says in my contract (wait, I don’t have one, that’s right, damnit) that I am a maid.

Yes, I know that being a slave can entail pretty much ANYTHING he can come up with, but this wasn’t part of what I was warned would happen…. So, I’ll do it, but I’m gonna gripe about it for a minute so I don’t kick you in the shins which is my natural reaction to waking up to a kitchen that looked like a tornado hit it.

Okay, First my natural reaction to waking up and seeing my kitchen destroyed because I got up and wasn’t the one to make breakfast and lunch for everyone and got to sleep in (I wouldn’t have slept in an extra hour if I’d have known what I would have woken up too.) is to throw a very un slave-like tantrum about grown men and not being able to put their garbage in the trash and empty the damn dishes and reload their breakfast dishes.

Waking up and getting a lovely list of things I had to do today, including what you want for dinner and all the laundry that needs to be done (did I mention I pick up your dirty underwear off the floor every day too because you won’t make it the extra couple of feet to the laundry basket???)

Control? Control is not throwing something at your head for making far more work for me than is needed in life because you boys are too lazy to stop for 30 seconds and clean up as you go.

Thank you for working me to the bone and then wondering why I am so tired at bedtime and get overwhelmed with how much constant “stuff” there is to do around the house – everyone seems to think because I’m home all day I don’t do anything all day… I will restrain from strangling the next person who asks me what I do all day… barely.

Did I mention the sharp knife on the kitchen floor because someone decided to leave it hanging off the edge of the counter? Yeah, that can’t happen again or someone’s going to be getting a very un-slave-like lecture about responsibility with knives when children and animals are in the house.

Okay, moving on… talking about control… I have a lot of self control. I didn’t kill anyone, and I didn’t throw anything at anyone’s head, and I even waited to write this blog until I was done raging on the inside (and got a load of laundry started per request, and started cleaning the kitchen up. – did I mention today was my bathroom cleaning days and that’s been put on hold due to the condition that everyone left the kitchen in???? argh. And don’t get me started on vacuuming up cat litter and dusting.)

Okay, back to the blog Jake WANTED me to write and not what came spewing out. (I’ve been a bit overworked the last few weeks if no one’s noticed and it’s starting to get to me. Haha)

Control – I prefer having a more control based dynamic and I am not cut out for a service based relationship. I’ll do it, and it makes me tired, worn out, grumpy and unhappy. I’m not the maid-type, even if I can DO that when needed. I admit, I’m selfish. I want help around the house, especially when everyone makes big messes and I try NOT to make big messes and clean up as I go, so it’s very hard for me to see others not pick up after themselves.

Having a control based relationship makes me happy… it makes it so if I get ordered to do something, like the dishes, I get something out of it besides wanting to kill someone, because my psychological needs get met in a way that lets me thrive despite my dislike for “service” type stuff.

This lack of control in my life over the last year or so due to our life situation changing so many times and having to take neighbors into consideration (which we now have privacy again! Thank you god!) can finally change.

Jake has said it would and gave me a two liner blog description that resulted in this blog being written which I’m pretty sure isn’t what he meant but since he wasn’t more specific, it’s what he’s getting. LOL

Control makes me thrive. I do best when kept on a tight leash, and am happiest on a tight leash. I am happiest when there’s rituals in my life, when we get enough sex and together time, when we play and do BDSM-style activities… when I feel something besides being a tired, worn out maid who is lucky to get a “thanks” for everything she does.

I hate housework – I do it because it’s my job – and because I’m told to do it and because if I don’t do it, no one else fking will. ^.^

I do best when I have daily reminders from Jake. A hand in my hair, on my throat, being squished by his weight as he lays on top of me reminding me that he’s bigger than me…. Things that maybe seem so simple and easily over looked by most people, mean the most to me… and get me through the most stressful of times and makes “it” (it being the stuff in my blog) worth it to me.

What I am looking forward to the most – is a full on wrestling match with Jake to get it out of my system. And we finally have space to do that this weekend – if I’m not to fking tired that is.

it's a pajama kind of day

2011-12-08T09:39:00.001-08:00

Jake wanted me to write a blog about how much i've been taking care of "him" since we moved, that i've basically taken over all the care-taking roles, cooking, driving, phone calls, and service stuff since we moved here to make his life easier.

I'm not sure it really makes "either" of us happy to have me in that position - but I've been doing it to try and make his life easier while he adjusts to a new career. I figure once he's stable, then if I need to fall apart, I can fall apart later. LOL (I was having panic attacks last night from pushing myself too hard.... stress does that to me.)

But, at least I'm logical about it. I understand how to communicate that with Jake now - tell him how i'm feeling, where i'm at and what I think I can handle.

I'm taking it easier for a few days, and we'll spend the weekend alone together. (our temporary house guest won't be here!)....

He really appreciates everything i've done for him the last few weeks and has been telling me repeatedly that he does and makes sure that I know he loves me.

It helps. It helps me keep going when I'd really like to curl up for a few days and sleep.

I don't mind being useful and taking care of Jake in ways that he normally prefers to do for himself. (you know, like cooking dinner, making his lunch, doing his laundry, all that "slavey service stuff" that people associate with M/s....)

Right now - my goal was just to keep myself busy enough until we could figure out what life "here" would look like, what rituals and routines we could add back into our life, and what his work schedule would be and what was most practical for everyone involved.

I hate having stuff be "up in the air" but I'm being patient. I believe that it will all work out and a little appreciation goes a long way for making me able to keep doing it for him... even when I feel overwhelmed and like I have zero routine/structure/rituals etc in my life.

He promised to figure stuff out in a couple weeks and implement things that he think will work in our new situation. I believe him, and I trust him and part of the reason I'm working so hard for him is it's one of the ways I can show him that I DO love him, and I DO trust him, and that I want to make this work for him because I like seeing him happy.

I am more than mildly frustrated with fedex losing my desk - and that's been stressing me out a lot. I still don't have access to things that are stress relievers for me. Maybe I just need to buy a cheap but sturdy collapsible table temporarily. LOL - I'll have to ask Jake later tonight about that.

I'm sitting here in my footie pajamas.... and even though the baby's had a bath and the animals have been fed, freshly watered, and I've cleaned up the house, today's one of those "staying in my footie pajamas all day" kind of days. :)

day off... sort of.

2011-12-07T08:08:00.001-08:00

The ground is frozen and it's freezing out - so I can't really do any outside projects until spring i'm guessing unless we get a heat wave here magically.

I want to take apart the "garden" area and turn it into a flat dirt area with a square brick outline for the playset we got.

I also want to clean up all the weeds growing against the house/sheds/outbuildings.

Jake forbid me from doing it this week though until i'm "fully healed" from being sick. He says i've been doing too much. (who knew that getting up at 6am to make everyone waffles falls into the "too much" category.)

my desk is supposed to arrive today, and i'm looking forward to that hopefully arriving so I can get the desk setup and maybe get to work on my books. Not having places for my books/clothes is going to drive me fking batty/bonkers.

Once we figure out his schedule and how much overtime he gets and our basic monthly expenses in this household I think we'll be able to buy a couple of cheap dressers and some book shelves.

Having one car is a pain in the ass. That will also have to take priority to get a second car... only having one in the middle of no where is kind of scary. If it craps out on you.... getting to work isn't a possibility out here. There's no buses. LOL

or taxis.

It's different living in the middle of no where and realizing what kind of "things" change in those ways.

when your neighbor is so far away you can kind of see each other wave but that's about it....

I appreciate the privacy, the ability to feel "safe" out here, it's farm country, the odds of bad things happening out here is pretty slim. Everyone here has guns and big dogs... if someone was up to no good, this isn't the "place" they'd come to cause problems.

It gives you a big sense of security knowing that your neighbors know what car you drive and learn to recognize you - even if you are far enough "away" that you never actually "interact" much.

That works for me. I'm a very anti-social person for the most part, I prefer to do most of my talking "online" and have Jake be my main source of adult interaction in person.

Jake thinks I will be happier here than any other house we've ever lived in - and I can see it. If I can figure out where to put my clothes and books. LOL I want things organized so I can relax.

Since we've moved in here, i've been taking care of sick people, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry non stop, running errands, had my mom in law here for a week and had to entertain her....

I finally get to just sit here today, i'm drinking a cup of coffee and my goal today is to just entertain myself on the computer besides playing with the baby.

I think I earned a day off and today is my day off... ^.^ LOL okay - well if doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and sweeping right after breakfast counts as taking a day off. :P

-20

2011-12-06T13:40:00.001-08:00

My car was having problems this morning - looks like it got too low on antifreeze and I had to go to the store to get antifreeze.

the last few weeks have finally caught up with me. I'm sort of a hormonal mess... except... with out the hormones. (or, if I am hormonal, it's a weird one. haha)

Anyways, I almost sat down in the snow and cried because I am too stupid to figure out how to pop open the hood (and my hands even with gloves were so frozen I can't find/pop the latch on the outside even by looking and using sight.) to put the antifreeze in my car.

I finally gave up after struggling for 20 minutes trying to pop the hood and said screw it, Jake can fix it when he gets home from work.

I have to clean the litter box, do laundry and dishes... and I got a call from my son's school saying he was acting out at school (i.e. not keeping his hands to himself) and ate his lunch before lunch time so he's hungry and wanted me to bring him more food.

I told the school I'll pack him a bigger lunch tomorrow, but he'll have to survive since my car's having problems and it's not an emergency.

I'm so tired. I'm still getting over the tail end of the flu and I really just need some down time. I want a break for a week or two to just sit and kind of recover for a bit.

My desk supposedly is supposed to be here tomorrow.... but we shall see. ^.^ fedex didn't think my address existed so they shelved it, but didn't bother to contact either me OR the seller to notify us that they weren't going to deliver it.

We finally figured out what happened between me and the seller harassing them and they are delivering it tomorrow. The fedex people HERE know our address - but the big town a few hours away didn't understand how the addresses here worked so they just assumed it was "wrong" and didn't bother to bring it to the town for the local fedex people to sort out.

Thanks fedex!!!! ;o

my mother in law had been visiting and she left today and I suddenly feel very, very alone... my first thought was "I want to go home." LOL but then I realized this IS my new home and I will make the best of it, even if right this second, I'm having a very un-emma-like pity party. LOL

I think maybe, I just need a nap.

keeping busy

2011-12-05T11:50:00.001-08:00

trying to get the house unpacked and figuring out where everything goes is a pain in the butt.

I HATE moving. I seriously would happily never move again if given the option. LOL

I have a bunch of books to unpack and am not sure I have anywhere to unpack them too ;o

I also don't have anywhere to put my clothes, so for right now, they get to stay in a BIG bin and I just have to dig through to find stuff. it's not the neatest option, but it is what it is since Jake took up the entire Master bedroom closet and our son's stuff is in the other closet.

I can live with my stuff being in a bin. ^.^

All that's pretty much left to sort out besides putting away linen and towels (neither of which we have a ton of) is the books once i'm done sorting out the clothes.

Were pretty much fully moved in - except I'm STILL waiting for my bloody desk and it's STILL not here.... ^.^

I asked the company where it was and they told me they'd get back to be on saturday and they never did - so I emailed them again this morning and if I don't get a response soon, I'll be bitching out amazon for a refund or a new desk. LOL

I don't care which, I just want a bloody desk.

slowly on the mend

2011-12-04T08:50:00.001-08:00

I lost my voice for 3ish days, but besides sneezing and coughing and feeling a little icky, my voice is slowly coming back - I still sound funny, and I won't be singing christmas carols anytime soon.... but people can at least kind of understand me when I talk now.

Today I'm skipping church I think in order to get the house unpacked, organized and cleaned up.

I got most of the stuff done, there's just a few things left in the RV to unload into the house, and a little bit left in the house to organize and unpack and find a place for.

Abbie's brownies were yummy, I seriously could eat them for breakfast and I'm trying hard to resist them with my yummy coffee. ^.^

Once the ground thaws, I'm going to start a couple of outdoor projects once it's not so cold.

We don't have much money for right now - so christmas will be very small - but you know what? That's okay. We have family, we can do other stuff.

Christmas isn't supposed to be about presents and how much you get - it's supposed to be about spending time with your family and appreciating what you have and getting ready to bring in the new year with hopes and dreams.

I think we will talk about jesus, and his birth (and why we celebrate it.) and spend time going to church and focus on why family is more important that material positions.

It's a valuable lesson to learn for the kiddos - and while it will be a "tight" budget for a while, in the long run, everything will work out. I truly have faith that it will.

I appreciate the fact that we have a roof over our head, and decent food in our belly. I appreciate that when we go to bed each night, my family is safe and sound, and Jake is home safe with me and here to protect us and watch over us.

I am thankful that no matter what happens, life has ways of working itself out if you just have faith, a little hope, and a positive attitude and aren't afraid of a little hard work and getting your elbows dirty.

I know, that each night when I go to bed, that I work hard for my family too - even if it's in a different way than what Jake does.... and I appreciate what Jake provides for our family, and I appreciate what our kids bring to the family table too....

Life isn't always "easy" but even hard work is rewarding and I can usually find something to be happy about in most situations.

celebrating abbie's birthday

2011-12-03T10:48:00.001-08:00

her official 1st birthday is monday - but we are celebrating it today.

I've got her gluten-free brownies with frosting made up - she loves chocolate, so it's thick chocolate gooey brownies with dark chocolate chips and dark fudge triple dark chocolate frosting.

Dad's grabbing some chocolate ice cream for her too. We don't have a high chair so I'm going to lay down some plastic on the kitchen floor and let her go to town. LOL

I ran out of wrapping paper so dad will have to grab another roll - she's not getting a "ton" of presents, it's just two of the boxes were kinda big.

I'm still sick - but later today or tomorrow, we are going to go on a train ride that has a santa claus on it and see if we can get some christmas pictures. :)

It's snowy out today and is just beautiful.

It's hard to believe that a year ago - I gave birth to abbie... I can't believe how fast this year's gone by and how much she's changed and grown in the last year.

It seems like the older I get, the faster they grow up. Her brother is excited for christmas and because he might get a brownie... and gets to go on a train ride.

there's advantages to the different ages as they grow... the older I get, the more I seem to enjoy the different stages for what each one offers... even as I miss the baby stage.

Were still nursing - and still going strong. I don't see her wanting to wean anytime soon - and I'm okay with that. it may make getting pregnant a little harder, but that's okay too.

Were situated in our house and abbie's loving the christmas tree, though I'm having to be on constant watch to make sure she doesn't remove all the balls and steal them. LOL

I admit, air mattresses aren't all that bad. better than the floor! LOL

All in all - life is going okay minus the being sick as a dog part. Jake's telling me I have to rest so I don't get pneumonia though. LOL resting isn't something i'm good at, especially when stuff needs to get done - but I'm "taking it easier" than I was before and resting more between doing things.

We are taking lots of pictures of everything -but until my desk gets here, I don't have a way to upload the pictures to my PC as my laptop doesn't support the card my camera uses. :) Soon though, i'll have pictures! LOL

and soon we'll have a normal routine, I won't be sick, and life will be running smoothly again!

treeeee

2011-12-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

we have a fucking tree! Yeaaaaah :P

It's an okay tree. it's white, with a white skirt - and I dunno if we will have many presents under the tree this year, but we'll have it, and we can enjoy it.

right now, I have about half a foot of snow on my porch because of the wind and it's still snowing.

call me dumb, but i'm PRAYING that it sticks. I love the snow and I want a white christmas.

Please, santa, if you are listening... snow snow snow.

moving in.

2011-12-01T19:52:00.001-08:00

I've been on the go since 5am and its 8am and i've been cleaning the house out so I can take a bath maybe at some point tonight.

My mother in law was kind enough to buy us a washer/dryer unit for christmas. when she saw we weren't even going to have a couch or dining room set, she decided to buy us a cheap couch and dining room set so we'd have some furniture.

I appreciate it more than she'll ever know. My desk that I ordered about a month ago still isn't here. was supposed to be here no later than today - still isn't here. I'm going to have to give amazon.com a call if it's not here by saturday and figure out WTF is going on.... LOL

Internet is up and running at our house in a temporary solution - will need to still have them come out in a couple weeks and hard-wire the house - which is fine with me.

this next week, i'm taking apart their stack of bricks they called a garden and evening out the dirt to make room for the kid's playset that they are getting from christmas as their "duo" Christmas present from grandma.

I have some minor landscaping to do, weeds to pull off the side of the house and that kind of stuff. but for the most part, there's not a lot to do besides putting up a small chainlink fence eventually for a "kid play" area that's chained off so I can let the kids play and not worry about the dogs getting into their stuff or vice versa. On 5 acres there's a lot of room and it's nice to kind of be able to use it.

I lost my voice - so I have no voice right now which makes life hard when I can't talk to people. and I'm soooo tired - we should be fully unpacked and functional by this weekend... which will be nice. :)

I'm excited to be in a house again. It's small.... but it's ours.

my day today

2011-11-30T08:59:00.001-08:00

My day today will be pretty uneventful. I'm finally feeling a bit better... you know, the kind of better where when a favorite radio song comes on I try to sing along even though I have no voice right now. LOL

I still have a headache and feel like I got hit by a bus, but i'm pretty tough in general and i'm doing better enough that I refuse to be "sick" anymore... okay I'm still sick, but I'm going to pretend I'm not. haha ^.^

I tried to play skryim but my laptop just doesn't have quite enough juice to play it with out it being a little laggy when running around which in my current head-ache state, makes me kind of sea-sick. LOL

Abbie's outgrown all her 12M clothes and is officially in 18 month clothes now. I will have to go through her clothing and put a few items in storage for later babies and get rid of the rest so I know exactly what she has left that fits her.

doh - they grow WAY to fast. LOL

i have a few hours to kill until I have to go put gas in the car, drop off a check at the real estate office and grab the keys - if the house is ready for us to move into it. They were cleaning it this week, so we have to wait until it's move-in ready. IT was supposed to be done today.... but we'll see.

It will take us no time to move in, almost everything we have is stored in the RV - i just have to take anything down that would break while the RV would be moved and move it in the car... no big deal.

one car load maybe 2 worth of stuff. we pretty much have nothing for a house - it will be a tight 3-6 next months since were paying such a large chunk of cash for the house and can't afford anything until next summer for the most part. we just have to be really financially conservative for a bit - then things will level out again.

I can live with that.

besides checking the mail - and calling the internet guy to arrange for them to setup the internet again at that particular house and figuring out who to call for power and get an account created for us... there's not a whole lot for me to do today.

I do have a few dishes to do and some clean laundry to put away - but if we are moving tomorrow - it doesn't really matter if I put them away since i'll just unpack them again in less then 24 hours. LOL the dishes though have to get done from breakfast this morning.

I'm going to greatly appreciate having a dishwasher again.

The first thing i'm going to do is when I get up and the sun is rising, I'm going to drink a cup of coffee on the porch and watch the sunrise. :)

icky

2011-11-29T07:07:00.001-08:00

So, i've been sick for almost a week. At first it felt like allergies and as it progressed to the weekend, I got sicker.

Yesterday, I was so sick I couldn't even keep water down. I finally managed to sleep a bit last night - which probably helped more than anything else did.

I'm no longer puking up water - but right now i'm not brave enough to try anything else yet. I don't feel hungry. Just thirsty....

I had to drive to pick Jaymie up from school yesterday and Jake from work and there's nothing more embarrassing then stopping on the middle of a highway to puke your guts up and everyone slows down to watch....

Like you are some kind of side freak show that's for their amusement.

I am no longer puking my guts up - partially because besides sipping water, I am not eating anything. Food just sounds gross to me.

My throat is torn up from throwing up so much so now i'm coughing and my throat "tickles" - best way to describe it. I feel like I got hit by a bus, I am so sore, full body ache that I can barely walk.... but at least I'm not puking anymore....

Gotta have an upside right?

my mother in law is flying in tomorrow to visit us - abbie's 1st birthday is on monday and were supposed to be moving into the new house by this weekend supposedly - so I need to get unsick ASAP.

Sick just doesn't fit in with my plans right now.

the world will not end.

2011-11-28T12:52:00.001-08:00

Yes. abbie is 1 next week.

No, I'm not taking her in for a 1 year check up.

she's currently up to date on all her vaccines for now on her delayed vaccine schedule.
I'm not taking her in just to weigh and measure her, which I can do myself and keep record of it.

our new insurance kicks in in a few weeks and than I have a better idea of what kind of doctor options I'll have available to me - and if we'd need to travel to find a doctor, and i'd rather have a good doctor, then whatever doctor is willing to see us that's closest.

Quality matters.

Abbie is not going to magically die because I don't take her for a 1 year check up - AND her pediatrician is okay with it. I have her email and if I have any issues, or concerns, I can call her, or send her an email.

The world will NOT end just because I delay one doctor visit of a healthy child - who btw is still breastfeeding, isn't my first toddler, and has no pressing need to go see a doctor just to record stats when I can do that myself and my midwife can include that in her chart that she faxes to whatever doctor I pick when our insurance kicks in.

OMG grandma, life will not end just because I don't think a kid needs to see a doctor 500000 times by the time they are 2. a good doctor is also worth the wait, and their weight in gold - a bad pediatrician can do a lot of damage..... my extended nursing relationship was ruined with my first because of a pediatrician who didn't know any better and i'd rather take my time to find one that supports toddler-nursing.... ^.^

The sky will not fall.

The world will not end.

And no grandma's were hurt in the making of this post.

good day

2011-11-28T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a lot of work bugging people (haha just kidding. I don't mind bugging people.) to get stuff moving forward in the right direction.

Found out today that we can most likely pick up the keys tomorrow and sign some of the paperwork. Found out exactly what all the details were for our contract to own the house.

financially, it will be a tight couple of years unless Jake decides to work a lot of over time - but we will be okay, and in the long-run worth it to own our own house out right in 3 years!

I'm excited. I know it will work out! ;o

She projects that we can move in on the 1st. so we'll get to spend christmas in our new house hold and have time to actually have a tree maybe. LOL

santa may not bring much this year - but that's okay. We'll have a Real roof over our head, and family. and a yard to play in and all I want is a real fking vacuum cleaner. seriously. do you know what a pain in the ass a hand-held vacuum is? they also suck at sucking. I can give a blow job better than this vacuum can.

Anyways.

I'll get to set my desk up and see my desktop PC again... Oh how i've missed her. The kids will have their own space again and I'll have a bathtub again. that's the first thing I'm going to do. is sit in the tub and lounge and just appreciate something as simple as the pleasure of soaking in a real bath tub.

Oh, happy day. LOL

Even if I was puked on this morning.

not vanilla

2011-11-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

So, for the last couple years, Jake and I have looked "very vanilla" in our relationship.

No play for the most part.

We had some minor routines/rituals and basic control stuff that has always been a part of our dynamic - he was too busy doing other stuff job-wise to really pay much attention to me. And, for the greater good, I stood back and struggled to let him do what he needed to do.

I suffered in silence for over 2 years with no play. no real rough housing, none of the "stuff" that kept me psychologically and emotionally stable. No structure, routine, or a ton of control based stuff that has always been the primary driving force of our dynamic that kept me happy and stable.

People talk about things in a M/s relationship and the reason I'm sharing this story now is because now that Jake has the time and situation again where he can pay attention to me, I'm happily clawed up with bite marks in some very lovely places again.

And he's been putting effort again into our relationship. Priorities, he was working so much and trying to find a new job and we lived in a neighborhood with nosy people... Lots of "stuff" happened, and I had to be patient.

Being a slave doesn't mean you get to play all the time, sometimes being a slave means gritting your teeth and doing what's in the best interest of the relationship as a "whole" even if means waiting a couple of years to get some of your "needs" met....

I waited patiently, and now my patience will be rewarded. I won't say the last couple years with no play, or kink or structure that we used to have was easy on me.

But I learned that I could fake it for Jake's sake until we could get in a position again to do certain things. And that he didn't forget - it just had to "wait".

Waiting is not my strong suit... but some lessons are valuable even if they aren't always easy to learn...

I know that if I express my needs to Jake - he eventually will meet them, and he has a reason for everything - you know, like pesky neighbors who are nosy and needing privacy to do certain things.

Being busy and tired, and prioritizing things in a different order than I might.

People talk about how play is a "need" - well, I struggled, but I didn't die from lack of play.... I'm not vanilla in mindset - but just surviving each day sometimes is what's required temporarily in life, but it won't kill you to serve the relationship, even if it means not getting things you like. (Like a spanking!)

I learned a lot in the last almost 6 years i've been with Jake. What I need to be happy, and what I'll deal with in order to get that happiness, and that Jake is worth the struggle, the wait, the patience.... and any hardship that comes my way to make it work out in the long run.

Relationships are a lot of hard work and very rewarding, even if they aren't always easy...

I know, that even if we had a 2 year chunk where play wasn't happening, and we "felt" vanilla in a lot of ways - that there was an end in a sight, and a reason for it. So, I sucked it up, and served the relationship and Jake the way he needed until things could change and we could live the "life" we both wanted.

We are now in a position to have our dream life. And it was absolutely worth each day of stress and no outlets and no play, and pretty vanilla looking sex. (don't get me wrong, I love missionary, but not being pinned down or bitten during sex was stressful for me.)

Jake is sadistic enough to enjoy watching me struggle along during that period and see that I was strong enough to cope with it - and still do everything I needed to do for him and in our life.

I know it wouldn't make sense to most people - but for me - there's a part of the emotional masochist in me that got off to it - even if I'm VERY Grateful that our life can resume the way we originally pictured it. LOL

Now, once he's done being sick and we have room to wrestle again, or play with whips outside, and have room for so many things that i've greatly missed.

I never, EVER want to live in a neighborhood again - the first thing I want to do is stand naked outside on my front porch drinking a cup of coffee and watch the sun rise.

I missed that kind of freedom.

Being a slave is complicated. It's rewarding, and hard work - but it doesn't always happen exactly like the fantasy novels describe it.

sleeping

2011-11-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

sitting between daddy's hobbit feet fast asleep.

using dad's leg for a pillow.

the silly places babies choose to take their napssl

Srsly trying to get himself strangled here.

2011-11-27T16:17:00.001-08:00

Okay, how about a conversation like this.

I've been sick for the last 2-3 days, with a fever - and sick enough i've had to take benedyrl - which for me, means i'm pretty fking sick.

I tell our son I'll make some gluten-free, sugar free cookies - since I hate splenda, I make a specific batch JUST for Jake with regular sugar (still flour-free though.)

Then, he asks me what's for dinner.

I respond "I dunno, I got brown rice, hamburger, cheese, sour cream, chicken, etc" and list off a few more things that are handy.

He tells me hamburger, cheese and rice sounds good... as i'm pulling out a steak that looks like if we don't cook it today, is going to be bad by tomorrow - I hold it up for him and say "maybe we should cook this instead so it doesn't go to waste"

he replies "Oh - that's got 3-4 days left"

Considering he just allowed me to make rotten ribs in the croc pot because I was sick and couldn't smell exactly how foul they were and ATE them (I swear he's trying to get me to poison him.) I kind of look at him like he's insane.

I remind him of the croc pot/rib incident from a couple days ago - and tell him speaking of which, that needs taken out to the trash so I can clean it. ^.^ (seriously ew.)

Then he tells me to stick the steak in the freezer, and he wants hamburger. Sigh. Okay, hamburger it is.

I finish up all the dishes, and putting away the cookies for lunch for the following week in daily baggies so lunches are easier (I'm a little OCD about that.) and then sit down to nurse the baby while he's emptying out the nasty croc pot.. (because I'm probably going to make pot roast in it tomorrow for dinner. haha... provided the meat doesn't smell funky... ^.^)

Anyways, as i'm sitting there nursing the baby, he starts climbing up to get the grill down...

"I can do that, I'm going to cook dinner in just a second." I tell him.

His response? "I'm cooking steak."

what... wait?

yep. he made steak.

Also, I didn't MEAN to feed him rancid meat - I couldn't smell how bad it was due to being sick. His reply was the following :

"I don't get sick, I gotta a beefy belly - we spent money on them, I'm gonna eat them."

sigh.

2011-11-27T13:05:00.001-08:00

the internet here is so bad, and i'm so desperate for something to do, Jake had me order skyrim to try it out since it's single player and might give me something to do if I can handle a single-player game on my laptop for a few weeks until we can move into a house where we might have some kind of "real" internet again.

hoping that the wifi internet we'd get is good enough for more than fetlife and email....

my current internet connection is so bad, i can't watch a youtube video. it takes 15 minutes to upload a 150kb picture to my blog - and it's slower then dialup when loading things as simple as email or fetlife... forget fetlife pictures, i'm lucky to even be able to get a group link to open.

my sanity is hanging in the balance here. I haven't felt this cut off from technology in my entire life. I really took access to the internet for granted.

sick

2011-11-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if the move finally caught up to me - or if I'm just sick in general.

Abbie's sick today too, she had a fever of 102 this morning and I just gave her some baby tylonal and she's asleep on me now. I was a little worried she'd just spit it out, but she didn't, so whew. I was afraid i'd have grape flavored tylonal all over my bed. I didn't stop to think to give it to her OFF the bed. LOL (yeah my brain is that fuzzy and broken right now.)

Jake and our son are out fishing. LOL lets hope they don't catch a pike. ^.^ I wouldn't put it past our son not to lose a finger if dad says "hey, they bite, keep your fingers out of their mouth."

Anyways, unlike abbie, when i'm sick, my temps usually go down instead of up, so i'm sitting here with a 94.7-95.1 temp - my brain's barely working and I'm shivering even though i've got the heater on, wrapped in a blanket and am using abbie as a heater with her pressed against me in her hands-free carrier... my limbs are still cold.

I took a 3 hour nap yesterday, that should have signaled to me that I wasn't feeling very good - I rarely take naps. Last night I went to bed kind of early because I felt like I was getting a sore throat. Abbie was kind of fussy and nursed non-stop all night.

I hate being sick. It makes me grumpy. I got up and start doing dishes and put the ribs in the croc pot and Jake made me sit down and stop what I was doing since I "looked super sick" to him. ^.^

I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I'd like to go to church - but i'm guessing if abbie and I aren't greatly improved by tomorrow, we will have to skip church.

more adventures

2011-11-26T07:56:00.000-08:00

I was also getting sick - and I am sick as a dog today. I have a sore throat and feel like I got hit by a train. ^.^ It's hard to look "happy" when you're getting sick. LOL

We went out to explore and see if we could find a ghost town and instead found wild mustangs. I had to roll up the car window because the male was going to come stick his head in my window - Dad got out to take pictures of them.

Dad took this picture and was about 5-6 feet from this boy - He wasn't afraid of us, but he took look like he was going to challenge Dad for getting to close to his mare/baby.

We did find an abandoned ghost town - but the sun was getting to low to get many good pictures out there... it was also kind of windy... it wasn't really cold, but the wind made it hard not to squint. LOL (okay, and being sick doesn't help take a good photo)

We are mostly trying to find some neat places to take pictures of the kids for holiday pictures, so we go out exploring. So far, none of the places we've found are "perfect" for holiday photos, but the kids have LOVED going out adventuring.

looking forward to our future

2011-11-25T08:36:00.001-08:00

One of the things about this move - is I'm looking forward to having a place to take pictures again, a place to take a bath, a place to wrestle with Jake and get some energy out.

I'm looking forward to a puppy, I'm looking forward to decorating an entire room in hello kitty - which he said I could. ^.^ (he even said it could be our bedroom if I wanted too!!! LOL)

I'm looking forward to building a chicken coop and having fresh eggs eventually - I'm looking forward to deciding if I want to try my hand at growing a few of our own herbs in a small garden.

I'm looking forward to trying to have more babies. There's a lot of things i'm looking forward too.....

I'm appreciating the weather here. I really like that it's not raining all the fking time non stop... and even if it's cold, it's sunny out.

I am looking forward too having a stable environment where it's "our" space again. with no neighbors, and beautiful views and privacy.

I really do thrive best being semi-isolated. I don't know why, but it's just something that allows my mind and soul the ability to be free and at peace.

I was never capable of handling living in a neighborhood. I was constantly on edge and nervous and always looking over my shoulder and didn't feel safe and couldn't be noisy and had no privacy.

At least out here, if I want to sit naked on my front porch and watch the sun come up while drinking a rockstar or some coffee.... I will have that option again.

Yum yum

2011-11-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Jake is making gluten-free chocolate cheese cake, a gluten-free pumpkin pie - and were having chicken, ham for thanksgiving with brown rice, garlic mashed potatoes and Caesar salad. ^.^

I was thinking of making gluten-free peanutbutter cookies but I think two pies is enough sweets. I'm making corn bread in a bit - and have honey/butter to go with it! LOL

I'm thankful for....

2011-11-24T07:34:00.001-08:00

as I sit here, wrapped in a sponge bob blanket because i'm cold.. (I already walked the dogs this morning.)

I'm trying to figure out what exactly i'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for abbie almost turning 1 with no major issues in the last year. considering how hard her pregnancy was - i was VERY grateful that this last year was pretty much eventful free.

I'm thankful that Jake finally got his dream job and is happier than I've ever seen him, even if i'm having a hard time adjusting to all the change in our life right now.

I'm thankful that we most likely get the house Jake wanted. (Until we sign all the paperwork, it could still fall through, but I'm staying hopeful and positive about it being ours shortly.)

I'm thankful that even though we are all alone in our RV for thanksgiving, our family IS together, even if we have no extended friends or family with us or can't see them this year.

I'm thankful that after the last few weeks of my cooking, that Jake is going to cook thanksgiving because he's a really good cook. LOL He's gonna make a chocolate cheese cake with a gluten-free crust, a gluten-free pumpkin pie with a gluten-free crust.... we have a few pieces of Ham, some ceasar salad, rice and a chicken that he's going to turn into a turkey some how... because our RV oven was too small for a real turkey. LOL

I'm thankful that we survived our move on such short notice and are living okay and semi-comfortably. I'm thankful that we are all healthy. I'm thankful that we still have goals and things to work towards in the future.

Like... paying off a house in 3 years, having more babies... getting new pets etc.

I'm thankful that we'll get to most likely spent Christmas in a real house and not an RV.

We might not have furniture for a while in our house, but we'll have a real bath tub. LOL

I'm thankful that life is going okay - and that I some how manage to get through each day, no matter how stressful it is, and feel okay the next day.

I am thankful that Jake appreciates my positive attitude and encourages it, because sometimes, smiling until your face hurts is the only way to live. LOL

I'm sexist - but i'll admit it!

2011-11-23T07:43:00.001-08:00

Okay, first I want to add a disclaimer to this, because I know my opinion on this subject will probably knot a few panties in a wad.

I don't care what people do - it doesn't effect me at all - these are just my own beliefs/opinions and I know that most people won't feel the way I do on these subjects.

When I was little, I always knew I was kind of old fashioned. I believed it was my place to raise my kids, to give birth, to breastfeed and to do "mom" activities with my kids.

I saw it as "Dad's job" to raise kids in a different way, and bond in a different way than how a Mom does. Not better, nor worse, but entirely different roles in life.

Kids in my opinion need both.

Someone brought up mom's going to boyscouts my first reaction was "I couldn't ever do that, i'm not a dad" And to me, that's just how I feel - those kind of things to me are a dad's place. Not a mom's thing - if mom's wants to participate in those things with their kids, that's great.

But, it's not for me.

another example, is I found out a church here had a female pastor. My first reaction was "Oh. that's not the church for me then."

And, it really isn't. I think it's great that women have the option to DO that, but i'm sexist enough that I would never feel comfortable being led by a woman.

I had troubles being led by a woman growing up - and I'm certainly not going to start now.

Ironically, my upbringing was the opposite of how I actually feel. My grandma tried very hard to teach me that woman were superior to men and can do anything men can do, and often better.

I never agreed with that - though I do think it's a good thing that woman have the option to do whatever they want.

I just don't have to associate with those situations and can do the things I feel are appropriate for me and my family... if that means attending a church that's male-led... that's fine with Jake. LOL

I think "life skills" in general, are a gender neutral thing. (i.e. I think a boy needs to know how to cook and clean and sew. and a girl needs to know how to change a tire and the oil in her car etc.)

But.. there are some things that to me, are just "dad things" and some things that are just "mom" things and I'm okay feeling that way. it works for me and Jake even if I rarely talk about it... mostly because I know that people would get offended by my point of view so I usually try to keep those to myself and just in our family because outside of our family it has no bearing on anyone else.

It works for our family and I usually keep my thoughts on those things to myself - because outside of my household it doesn't matter how other people do things and our kids do see plenty of examples of women in positions of power/authority that i'm fine with them getting those examples from school and other life-situations that come up with out intentionally seeking them out when i'm not comfortable with them and feel that it's a wrong "fit" for Jake and I. LOL

I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways, and yeah, I'm a little sexist. But I'm okay with that.

silly girls

2011-11-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

Abbie climbed into the chair and took a short nap. LOL (I had to snap a picture.)

She doesn't really fit on the chair though she hangs off by quite a bit, and it didn't last long.

So, me being me, decided to make myself some gluten-free noodles and a tomato based spaghetti sauce.

I made it from scratch and it had Italian sausage and mushrooms in and was heavy on the garlic. yum yum yum.

the ISSUE with spaghetti and why I only eat it every few years, is i'm allergic to tomatoes and peppers.

Just making it, I started ot itch. EATING it on the other hand.. I got half-way through the bowl and started breaking out into red dots and itching from my hair to my toes. I had to stop and take 3 benedyrl.

Jake said and I quote "I'm not sure regular ol spaghetti is worth it to itch like that and have to take benedyrl just to eat some of it."

Says the man who can eat it with zero issues. ^.^

It's worth it... but only every 2-4 years. LOL

we got the house.

2011-11-22T10:19:00.001-08:00

Jaymie's teacher called me today to tell me he was having some issues at school - and also ask if he could have pizza (which, since he's gluten free, no he can't, but had she warned me last week, I could have made him a gluten-free pizza to drop off... so DOH! no warning = no pizza.)

But, I think I will go ahead and make spaghetti tonight to make up for him not getting pizza, my gluten-free noodles are here.

We got the house! the husband/ex-wife are making an agreement between the two of them and once they have a contract signed between the two of them - then we will be able to sign our agreement with the husband and move in - probably in the first couple weeks of december.

So, I'm excited for that - but then we have to get the RV sold off, pay off the small loan on that and whatever cash is left over is going towards the down payment of the house. were trying to get our 401k money out before it goes down anymore... (ugh.) so we can have the down payment in march.

Things are coming together since moving here - So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and staying positive an hopeful.

The only thing I haven't heard back yet, is if the wifi internet works at the house - because otherwise, I'll have no internet there and that's a sacrifice i'm having a very hard time accepting... but the stability for my family is worth it long term - even if short term I go insane.

However, if the internet SUCKS - I'll need to find some new hobbies. I'm not sure exactly what we will be able to do until the house is paid off in 3 years - anything that costs money will have to be "put on hold" for a couple of years... (which is okay, there IS a end in sight.)

One more big "change" in the near future for the most part, and then we can settle into some kind of routine and idea of normalcy.

The house we are getting will also give us the option of "either" school district, so i'll need to check out the other school district to see which one is a better fit for our son.... and then make that choice.

Once we get settled there - I think we'll do a lot better long-term and a normal routine and structure is something that can happen sooner than later - i'm very grateful for this.

Since thanksgiving is this week, I guess when we celebrate, this is part of what we'll be celebrating, that we took a BIG risk on a job move, with no home, no rentals, and living in an RV with no "end" in site and had to hope that everything fell into place pretty quickly.

It looks like it will, so I am very thankful for all of that... and for my family for trying hard even though we had no "answers" right away about any of this. LOL

"Mom's" christmas wish list

2011-11-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

1. a BIG gigantic mastiff puppy - that's got a personality kind of like paddy (family oriented and kind of a marshmellow)

2. another baby. (okay ovulation, you can work properly ANY time you want now... please!)

3. Furniture for my house that I don't have. - Okay. Santa, how about a house? You know, one with a real bath tub and please don't make it doll-house sized, i'm a little bigger than that... :)

4. a princess bed. because i've always wanted a 4 poster bed as a little girl and you know, I can think of some really "creative" things to do in bed if it had poles besides sleep.

5. Snow - because I don't mind the cold and the sun, at least it's not wet and gloomy - but do you know how COOL it is to be not cold in the snow when the sun is out? seriously, I love the weather here, but snow would just make it that much better. plus then I can throw snow balls at Jake.

social stuff

2011-11-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

Moving away from the few friends I actually had made me realize when interacting with vanilla people here and even on other vanilla social sites, that I really don't know how to talk to people - and no concept of how to relate to the majority of people in this world. LOL

I don't know how to get along with most women, I don't have a facebook, I don't spend my time talking about tv or the latest drama - or even get involved in most of the gossiping that a lot of women do... the only thing I can really talk about is my kids in a vanilla setting as the rest of my life isn't very "Vanilla".

I can talk about video games.... but more women tend to bitch about video games than play them. LOL

Am I anti female? No. I have had some really great female friends I get along with.... right now, i'm greatly missing those connections to them the ability to go have a cup of coffee, or hang out, or talk about how real life works with out the drama, or having to phrase things carefully.

when my internet was out today, I realized how much I rely on fetlife and instant messenger in order to get enough social interaction with "like-minded" people to stay sane and be able to be myself.

I don't "do" vanilla and the older I get, the less I want to pretend to get along in those situations where I constantly have to be on guard and watch what I say and how I phrase it - mostly because if you say "I have to ask my husband" people go "Well, i'd just TELL my husband how it's gonna be" - I hate having to phrase things in a way that don't bring out those kind of questions or answers.

Moving here and realizing that any kind of community will be a few hours from us - and how important it would be to find "something" even if it's online most of the time, or we travel occasionally.

I have to completely re-evaluate how to get some of my social needs met that isn't inconvenient on Jake - and doesn't bug anyone else... LOL.

My Panic attack mode about some of this is finally settling in the dust and the reality of the social situation has kind of sunk in and is hitting me hard today... my internet cutting me off for a few hours today really sunk in how cut off I am here with out it.

It's not a bad thing - I just have to learn how to rely more on online-conversations to fulfill my social needs and find people who are more in the same boat and need the same kind of things. LOL

It will be different, I've come to rely on real life interaction on a pretty regular basis... and i'm really missing it right now.

house update

2011-11-21T13:15:00.001-08:00

so, finally got a hold of the real estate lady.

My internet also went out ALL fking morning long... whine whine whine.

okay, back on topic.

The offer was excepted by the guy - however his ex wife has to be okay with the way she'd get her money... so what he did was said she gets her "half" of the money first so she'd be more likely to take our offer.

So, if she's okay with the money arrangement, we'll get the house.

We have to wait to hear back from her (which may be as soon as tonight/tomorrow) or will be after thanksgiving otherwise.

If she's in agreement, we may or may not be able to move in in december early (darn!)

BUT - they have to draw up a legal contract between them with a real estate lawyer for the splitting of our funds, before we can sign a contract with the husband for the house....

so we may or may not be able to move in (we'd be renting for 3 months before making the first down payment of 60k.) depending on the wife and their contracts and agreements, and us signing stuff.

Their renters are out as of this weekend - so if she DOESNT accept the offer - then we might keep looking at other houses - there's at least one that will work okay for us - and maybe one other besides that one.

so we have a couple back up options if this one falls through.... I don't know why the lady wouldn't take the offer unless she's dumb. she gets her money first and then the two of them can be done with the situation. LOL

But, people have done dumb things out of spite before or weird attachment reasons... so I'm not holding my breath over the situation until we hear the "everythings in legal writing and signed contracts" between the two of them... so she can't screw things up for the husband and us.

once it's in writing, the house is ours even if she tries to change her mind later (she's not on the deed of the house, so the only person she'd screw things up for is the husband but that would be between them after he signs the house paperwork with us.)

so - that's the only hitch for moving in right after thanksgiving. - it depends on "how" agreeable she is to get this moving forward and if she wants it rented or not for 3 months until the house deal goes through. because we'll rent it out for 3 months instead of letting it stand empty... but no one's going to rent the house for 3 months knowing they'll have to leave in 3 months.

shrugs not my problem I guess - though i'd really like to move in before march. haha.